Kick off

Mixed Up starts shooting today.

This is good news, I like it when projects start shooting - there’s a lot less chance they’ll fall apart and disappear. It’s not a guarantee of course, but it’s marginally less likely.

What impresses me most is the speed with which this has all come about. It was the end of November last year when the director, Lawrence Pearce, took me to peer through the windows of Beanos and mentioned something about a slacker comedy.

Since we’d met to talk about a different project, I thought we were just idly chatting on the way back to the station. It wasn’t until a week later I learnt I was writing it.

Lawrence provided the story, I provided a synopsis followed by a treatment and started the script near the end of January.

That’s three months from typing FADE IN: to the director yelling: ‘ACTION!’

That’s pretty quick.

By way of contrast, there’s another project I’ve been working on which is still going SEVEN YEARS down the line. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS! Three months? That’s the way it should be. All films should work like that.

In those three months (or less really, since it took three weeks to deliver the first draft) producer Jonathan Sothcott has secured funding and a great cast: Billy Murray, Adele Silva, Lee Otway, Zara Dawson, Abi Titmuss, Anna Brecon, Terry Stone, Giles Alderson, Katia Winter and of course, Sylvester McCoy.

Great cast, great location, great director.

Great script? I don’t know, people seem to like it. I’ll reserve judgement until I’ve seen the final product.

Despite my own paranoia, I have high hopes for this one. It’s exciting and it’s happening right now. No messing about, get the script, get the money, make the film.

I love it.

Having said that, with production starting today, I am, of course, going to go and hide in the Caribbean until it’s all over.

Love the script

As a project nears production, everyone involved is keen to tell you how much they love the script. It’s a fantastic script, you’ve done a great job … etc, etc.

My usual response is to mumble thanks and try to change the subject.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate positive comments, it’s just … surely not every script is fantastic and not every person involved can like it?

Rightly or wrongly I’m suspicious of profuse praise. It wouldn’t be so bad if, every now and then, someone turned round and told me they “hate the genre, but the script is tolerable”.

And you never hear: “It’s a pile of shit, but I need the money.”

Or: “The script sucks, but I’ve just slept with xxxxx and owe him/her a favour” (where xxxxx is someone involved in the production; usually, but not exclusively limited to, the producer).

I’m not saying I want to be bombarded with torrents of abuse either; hell, I’m not even sure I want people to be honest: “It’s fairly mediocre but I quite like my part.”

Nah, I don’t need to hear that.

But I always remember having a drink with a visual effects guy who’s worked on some fairly high profile films. I’ve mentioned it before, and no doubt will do so again, but he told me everyone involved in the film he was currently working on (big film, big budget) knew it was shit except for the director, the producer and the writer.

Everyone. Cast, crew, teaboy … everyone.

So why do they work on a shit project?

Because they still get paid and good visual effects in a bad film will still generate work for the effects guy. Plus, he enjoys doing the effects, he doesn’t really care what the words are around them.

Sure enough, when the film came out the reviews were all the same: an expensive pile of wank.

So how do you tell when people are being honest and when people are being professional?

And by professional, I mean lying, sycophantic bastards.

Hence my embarrassed mumblings and desire to change the subject whenever anyone offers any praise. I really don’t have any idea how to behave in this situation. I’ve experimented with declaring my genius and refusing to speak to lower lifeforms; but, weirdly, that just seems to upset people. I’ve tried shouting random words to confuse them:

“Trousers! Fishsticks! Voles riding negligent sisscors!”

But that just seems to scare people. I’ve even opted for staring fixedly at their teeth, dribbling and saying:

“Wrestling makes Mister winkie go hard.”

But apparently that’s normal behaviour for a writer and To Be Expected. So I give up, I have no idea how to react and might opt for just not talking to people at all.

Either that or stick to my guns: mumble thanks and try to change the subject.

One thing I do know, if any actor, male or female (usually female) tells you “Thanks for the words” … punch them in the throat. The world doesn’t need that level of pretension and any court of law would reward you for meting out swift justice.

Probably by giving you community service and a fine; but secretly they’d be commending you for services to humanity.

Honest.

Writing for Doctor Who

That’s right, that’s the secret.

Me, Phill Barron putting words into the mouth of The Doctor.

Sort of.

Okay, so it’s not the current Doctor and it’s not actually Doctor Who, but it still counts.

What? Don’t look at me like that.

I’ve just had a phone call from producer Jonathan Sothcott (who I now love in a totally manly way, and promise not to refer to as my pimp for at least a week) saying Sylvester McCoy has confirmed for Mixed Up.

In a fairly exciting day with lots of work stuff materialising out of the blue, this is by far my favourite piece of information.

(Apologies to everyone else; but in fairness, I don’t own a crappy plastic figure of anyone else I spoke to or about today)

Mixed Up already had a great cast, but in my eyes it just got better. With only six days to go until shooting starts, I am now officially too excited to sleep.

Hee hee hee … Sylvester McCoy.

Hee hee hee

I know something you don’t.

Well, hopefully I know lots of things you don’t; like passwords, bank account details and where the spare keys to my house are … but, there’s one specific thing I know which you don’t.

Which I can’t tell you.

I want to …

But I can’t.

Not even to the usual people who email me privately asking for details. I’m not going to tell you, not this time. Hopefully, I’ll be able to talk in a few days time …

Which is not to say I’m in any danger of losing my vocal chords, but hopefully contracts will be signed and I will be free to tell you.

The sad thing is, this is probably only exciting to me … but I don’t care. It excites the geek in me.

I know and you don’t.

Hee hee hee.

Do they really have sex in sex scenes?

For some reason, that question is the top search string for this blog. I have no idea what post it finds or what the hell I’ve been talking about; but since people are obviously really interested, I thought I’d clear it up in a neat, concise post …

No, they don’t.

Unless it’s porn; in which case … yes, they do.

I hope that answers that burning question and people can get back to finding my blog by searching for “Phillip Barron” and “genius writer”.

Closer

My anonymity grows.

It seems Abi Titmuss is running all over town, completely failing to mention me at every opportunity. After not being mentioned in Hello! and The Sun, I’ve now not been mentioned in Closer.

Okay, okay, so the Hello! article was actually Adele Silva not mentioning me. Meaning, technically, Abi’s only given two interviews which doesn’t really count as running all over town; but it’s still moderately exciting to see yourself failing to be mentioned in national publications. I really am on track for no one knowing who I am in the next few months.

In fact, I’d go so far as predicting that by Christmas, my anonymity will have grown to such proportions even Mandy will never have heard of me.

Truly we live in wonderous times.

Karma Magnet online

I hate this bit, you know, the bit where people can actually see your work and be nasty about it … but here it is, Karma Magnet for your viewing pleasure:

http://www.icewhole.com/site/films/film.cfm?filid=1744&x=22&y=9

I’m going to go and hide.

The Sun

Abi Titmuss was in The Sun today:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/article1016941.ece

I would like to draw your attention to the following quote:

“I have just got a little part in a British film, a comedy, but I can’t talk about that yet!”

She may not be able to, but I can … because it’s my film.

Or at least a film I wrote.

That’s right, as well as not being mentioned in Hello! a few weeks back, I’ve now not been mentioned in The Sun. At this rate I’ll be completely anonymous for years to come. My name will literally be on no one’s lips.

Fame is ignoring me, but in public.

Basically, Abi is going to be in Mixed Up. Which also has a natty new poster:

So there you go: not being mentioned in The Sun and a new poster.

I told you life was good.

Spring writing

Spring is here and life’s comfortably busy. It’s all ticking over in a constant stream of work, which, as long as I keep on top of it, is perfectly manageable.

Despite me saying I was going to focus on some TV stuff this year, I seem to be working almost exclusively on more movies. I can’t say I’m particularly upset since I like working on films; but I really must look at getting some TV work soon.

Or at least, as soon as I finish off my current workload. It’s a sort of conveyer belt system at the moment with five feature films on the go in a constant cycle of moving them from synopsis to treatment to longer treatment to first draft to rewrites (ad nauseum) and finally to shooting script.

Right now I’m niggling at Mixed Up which starts shooting in a few weeks - the script’s as good as done, there’s just the odd change and tweak for production reasons from now on.

There’s the sequel to K which is now a three page treatment awaiting comment and discussion.

Night Junkies: The Cure which is at first draft stage - although that’s a co-written thing, so the first draft wasn’t done by me but is from my treatment which in turn is based on Lawrence’s ideas.

Tripping Up which is at second draft stage and awaiting further instructions.

And a new comedy which I’m turning into a synopsis today.

I like working like this, just breezing from one project to the next until you get round them all. It’s easy to budget my time for and it’s relatively stress free. I know roughly how long each stage should take for each project and I can just relax and get on with it.

I’m even having to turn down a few things - two features in as many weeks - on the grounds I haven’t really got the time to devote to them. They were both projects I probably would have done given the time, but ones I would have had to drum up the enthusiasm for rather than being fired up by just the idea.

So instead of piling on project after project until I’m screaming at the walls for interrupting me when I’m thinking, I’m progressing at a comfortable pace and enjoying the work. It’s all tranquil streams and calm summer meadows in this office right now.

Of course, there’s always that cloud of pure panic on the horizon. The nagging sense that someone, somewhere is going to ask me to do something I can’t say no to. Something which is going to cram itself into my schedule and destroy any luxurious free time I’m currently able to spend on anything I damn well please.

But then, that’s the whole point of not overcrowding my plate - I can do it if I feel the need. Until that thundercloud of franticness breaks, I’m just sculling lazily along from project to project like a contented bee.

In a boat, apparently. I must stop mixing metaphors.

The sun’s shining, my fingers are remarkably blood free and all is well.

Sidekicks

I’ve just been doing a bit of research for a new project and I’ve noticed something peculiar. In the world of fictional detectives/heroes, there don’t seem to be any female sidekicks.

There are plenty of female detectives or female heroes and superheroes - but very few, bordering on none, instantly recognisable female sidekicks.

And by recognisable I’m talking Robin, Doctor Watson, Tonto level of recognition; not Carrie-the-female-Robin-no-one-except-people-who-read-comics-has-heard-of level.

It’s bugging me a bit, I need to find at least one female sidekick for this thing. There are plenty of people who almost count: Willow, Amy Allen, Thelma and Daphne, but they’re not really sidekicks.

There’s Gabrielle from Xena, I suppose …

Damn, I’ve just answered my own question, rendering this post a bit pointless.

I hate it when that happens.