Lull

I’m at a bit of a loose end today. It’s not that I have nothing to do, it’s just I have nothing to do right now.

I’m working on lot of different projects, both film and TV stuff, and they’re all at different stages of development: some are one page synopses, some 4-5 page outlines, some 10 page treatments and a couple are already scripted. It’s a conveyer belt process whereby I write one stage, get notes, then move onto the next. Because there’s always a gap between finishing one stage and getting the notes, I can work on multiple projects at the same time without any problem.

Right now, I’ve completed the current stage for each project and can’t move forward without notes from the producers/directors. The problem being, they’ve all buggered off to Cannes.

Which leaves me kicking my heels wondering what to do with myself. I could, theoretically, start a *gasp* spec project … but since I’ve got a meeting tomorrow about a new film project, starting my own seems like a waste of time. Why write something you then have to sell when you already have people who want you to write things for them?

I could get a head start on the next stage of each project, but until I get the notes I could be running in completely the wrong direction. I’m not that bored.

There is a slight worry on the horizon. I have this vague fear that everyone’s going to come back from Cannes all fired up and determined to forge ahead … all of them. At the same time.

That would be completely impossible.

Well, I say impossible; more like very difficult, to be honest.

A position I don’t want to be in, at the very least.

Still, that’s all in the future. Today, I have nothing much to do. So instead of anything useful, here’re some more stills from Mixed Up.

Continuing Drama

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WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS POST.
IT’S INACCURATE, MEANINGLESS AND JUST PLAIN WRONG
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As everyone knows, a while back the BBC decided to stop calling soaps ’soaps’ and call soaps ‘continuing drama’ …

Except, hang on, does everyone really know this?

TV, newspapers, magazines and everyone I know who’s not a writer still calls them soaps.

Do ITV and Channel Four still call them soaps?

Do Channel Five even have any soaps?

Have I ever watched Channel Five?

For the life of me, I can’t think of one program I’ve ever watched on Channel Five … how odd.

I don’t know when the BBC made its decision to change from soaps to continuing drama. For all I know they may have always referred to soaps as continuing drama and it’s only recently come to my attention; but for the purposes of this post, I’m going to assume it’s a relatively recent memo which was circulated around BBC staff. A memo which went something like this:

“Stop fucking calling them soaps, you bastards. It’s continuing drama, got it? Continuing fucking drama. Fucking deal with it.”

But presumably on headed paper.

And here’s the point.

Yes folks, that’s right: today I have a point.

Who is this change aimed at?

People who like soaps, call them soaps. People who don’t like soaps call them long names with lots of swearing in them.

The people who like them, the viewers, aren’t really aware the name has changed. Presumably, they have no interest in what they’re called anyway - as long as the shows continue to get made.

The people who don’t like them … is it an attempt to curry favour by pretending they’re not soaps? Lots of companies and organisations do this, in an attempt to distance themselves from the food poisoning/nuclear contamination/child molestation they’ve dumped on their consumers. It’s a move made by someone who knows what they do/produce is bad and want to distance themselves from it.

Again, since this information isn’t widely known, it would appear not to be the case.

So who is actually aware of this name change?

Writers, directors, producers … basically, anyone who works or aspires to work in TV.

Ah, interesting.

Being as I’m a writer, and only really read information by other writers, the only people I’ve heard refer to soaps as continuing drama are other writers. I’ll talk about this because it’s the only real reference point I have, and I’m presuming it’s a microcosm for how the industry has reacted as a whole.

New writers who like soaps and want to write for them are quite happy calling them soaps. They frequently refer to them as soaps and then guiltily correct themselves as if they’ve used a bad word. So the name change isn’t aimed at them.

New writers who don’t like soaps and don’t want to write for them (and possibly have no hope in hell of making a living in the UK) think the name change is a desperate attempt to pretend the shows aren’t a pile of shit. The name change might be aimed at tricking them into writing for something they don’t want to, but I doubt it. These still seem to refer to them as soaps without feeling the need to kow-tow to a weird form of non-political correctness.

Established writers who don’t like soaps and don’t want to write for them (are there many of these?) may be aware of the name change, but again, I doubt this will suddenly change their mind about the nature of the shows. I can’t see many suddenly turning around and deciding it’s okay to be a continuing drama writer, but not a soap writer. These guys seem to delight in referring to them as soaps just to annoy anyone who calls them continuing drama.

Established writers who like and already write for soaps … these are the only people I’ve heard consistently refer to them as continuing drama. They are the only ones who seem never, ever say ’soap’.

Maybe they’re following a BBC mandate which might otherwise cost them future employment?

But since these are the same group of people who regularly berate writers who don’t want to write for soaps as snobs, it just smacks to me of embarrassment. Whenever I read of some writer piling into a discussion in defence of continuing drama by accusing anyone who doesn’t like them of being up their own arse … it just sounds wrong. It sounds very Mrs. Bucket.

It’s not like people still calling Emmerdale ‘Emmerdale Farm’. It’s not an obvious name change which is branded on the product, in the same manner people refuse to abandon names like Opal Fruits, Marathon or Jif - fucking get over it, these products don’t exist any more and haven’t for years.

Since it’s not a widely used term and it’s not written down anywhere where the average member of public can read it, it’s a pointless correction.

“I’m a continuing drama writer.”

“What’s that then?”

“You know, Eastenders, Casualty, Holby … that sort of thing.”

“You mean soaps?”

(Embarrassed shuffle) “Maybe.”

“Why didn’t you just fucking say so?”

It’s like ‘Life on Mars’ writers refusing to admit the show was a Sci-Fi show. Will you just fucking get over yourselves?

As far as I can work out, the change from soap to continuing drama might be an attempt to rebrand the shows to attract new talent who would otherwise be reluctant to work on a soap; but seems more likely to be for the people who already work on the shows and are embarrassed about it.

If that’s the case, why write for them?

And where does this end?

Will Doctor Who be rebranded as a non-reality based drama?

Will documentaries become narrated factual drama?

Is it just because you can’t call a BBC department the ‘Soap Department’?

Am I wrong and have completely missed the point?

Have any of you worked out I don’t really care what they call these shows and I’m merely ranting to avoid doing any real work because I don’t know how to fix the current draft?

Oh, and I lied. I don’t have a point - just a LOT of meaningless words.

I’ve lost my mojo

I’m resting on my laurels and I haven’t even got any. Time was, I’d finish one project and bang straight on with something else.

• Not working for someone else? Write a spec script.
• Finished what I’m doing but don’t want to go to bed yet? Write a handful of sketches.
• Got a spec project I’m happy with? Look for someone to send it to.

At the moment, I’m not doing any of that. I’m busy, true - but not so busy I can’t squeeze extra work in. Today, for example, I finished this music video script (another first for me - I didn’t even know they had scripts) and then I … just gave up. I downed tools at about five this afternoon and just fucked around for the rest of the day.

It’s not like I haven’t got stuff to do, but I can’t be bothered. I know exactly how long it’s going to take me to work through my list of jobs and I’m not pushing myself. I could have cracked on today with the feature rewrite I’m in the middle of, but I’ve already planned to do a little bit each day and I just can’t muster the will to push myself harder.

The way I’m acting, you’d think I’d actually achieved something of note which meant I don’t need to try as hard. Yeah, I’m working; but once the current list of jobs is done, there’s nothing to replace it.

I’ve got a feature in production, one in pre-production and five in development - but so what? There’s a better than average chance none of them will ever come to fruition - and even if they do, miracle of miracles, actually result in a film; there’s a very good chance none of them will be good enough to garner any attention whatsoever.

That’s not a slur on the people/companies who intend to make them, it’s just a statistical fact - most projects never see the light of day and most of the ones which do are a pile of shit.

And even if they all sprang into production tomorrow and even if they were all good enough to draw attention to my career - it’ll still be over a year before I’d see any discernable effect.

So what the hell am I waiting for?

Why aren’t I cracking on with one of the mountain of spec ideas I have lying around? Why don’t I make an effort to send out my three remaining spec scripts? At the very least, why aren’t I making some pocket money by writing sketches?

In short, why am I being so fucking complacent?

I think part of it is not having seen my wife, Mandy, for over a week (she’s an air hostess, you know?). If I’m lucky and her flight lands on time, I’ll see her for an hour tomorrow before I have to head off. If I’m unlucky and her flight is delayed, I won’t see her until Thursday. That’s shit, at best. I miss her.

Even that’s not really an excuse. Time was, as soon as she left the house, I’d throw myself at the keyboard and write continuously until I passed out from hunger.

Maybe it’s the heat, I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s annoying the piss out of me. I’d like to say I’m going to turn over a new leaf tomorrow (or perhaps, go back to my old leaf); but it sounds like an awful lot of work and there’s bound to be something good on the telly.

Oh well, hopefuly it’s just a passing phase and I’ll be back on track soon.

My first Q&A

Other blogs seem to have Q&As with professional screenwriters, I thought I’d get in on the act.

Unfortunately I don’t know any pro-writers, at least no interesting ones, but I do know how to get hold of unlisted numbers.

So here’s an interview with John August, writer of ‘Go’, ‘Big Fish’, ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ and some other stuff.

Here’s what he had to say:

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Hi John, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions?

What time is it?

I don’t know, about midday I think.

Fuck, it’s four in the morning!

Uh-huh, so John, I can call you John, yeah?

What? Who is this? How did you get this number?

So how did you get your first break?

Break, what break? What are you talking about?

‘Go’, tell me about ‘Go’. Was that a spec sale or a commission?

It was a … who the fuck is this?

Charlie’s Angels, eh? You proud of that? I haven’t seen it, but some bloke down in the pub said he didn’t like it. How do you deal with that kind of criticism?

I’m hanging up now.

Okay, before you go … John? John?

(redial)

Hey, John, I think we got cut off.

Fuck off, if you call again I’m calling the cops.

(He hangs up. I redial)

Bonjour Monsiuer, j’mappelle Claude. Je voudrais–

I have caller ID, you know?

Can I just say–

No.

(He hangs up and leaves his phone off the hook for the next nine hours.)

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And there you have it, my first celebrity Q&A. Next time I’m going to be bothering William Goldman who is 76 and might die soon.

Particularly if I ring him in the middle of the night.