Masturbating monkeys

Two words I never thought I’d find contained in one sentence in a set of script notes.

At least, two words I certainly never thought I’d be asked to put into an action line in a script.

When I envisaged my writing career, all those minutes ago, I never dared dream that one day someone would instruct me (whilst paying me) to write those two words in a script.

My life is now complete.

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.

The BBC, the Dutch and an unexpected pittance

A letter?

For me?

From the BBC?

Blimey o’Reilly, what could they possibly want?

(At this point I wanted to write the sound of me ripping open an envelope … but I couldn’t work out what that would sound like in words and gave up surprisingly quickly)

Oooh, fancy that! My first ever residuals statement!

It appears the Dutch have been exposed to The Wrong Door; and - given the lack of angry swearing hurled in my general direction – they either liked it, didn’t watch it or feel less inclined to proffer death threats merely because they didn’t find a TV programme funny.

I’ve always liked the Dutch. Very tall, nice and polite.

Oh, it’s also been sold to a TRAPPED AUDIENCE.

Good.

What the fuck does that mean? I presume they haven’t locked a group of people in a room and forced them to empty their pockets whilst the Smutty Aliens plays on a continuous loop? Or maybe they have? I’ve always thought there was something sinister about the BBC.

Unlike the lovely, non-death-threat-emailing  Dutch.

Well, well, well, unexpected money -  whatever shall I spend it on?

Hmm … if I added a tenner of my own money I could probably afford a DVD … if it was on sale. Happy days!

Just for the Record trailer

Today, and I suspect for the foreseeable future, I have a big silly grin on my face.

And here’s why:

If you like it, spread the word.

A bit of a blur

It’s been another busy few days. Wednesday/Thursday/Friday saw me:

Have dinner in Jamaica, breakfast at 38,000 feet, lunch in Nuneaton, dinner in Crawley, breakfast in Eastbourne and lunch in London. I’d like to tell you which days they happened on, but it was all a bit of a jet-lagged blur and I’m not 100% certain.

Simultaneously I plotted one screenplay, was commissioned for a second and optioned a third (which doesn’t actually exist yet, but I’m sure I’ll have written it - or something vaguely like it – by the time everyone’s excitement dies away and they realise they haven’t actually seen a script).

I’ve also completely disrupted and possibly ruined a serious meeting about tweaking the rough cut of a produced movie by shouting about Star Trek, had a phone call from the Mail on Sunday about not being in Cannes, undergone a three pronged Mac-vangelist attack (I claim victory on the grounds one of their Macs packed up halfway through the argument) and taken a meeting in a room chock full of little rubber pigs – every single one of which bore a sticker proudly proclaiming:

THIS IS NOT A TOY

In other news, ‘Just for the Record’ is getting a bit of local press attention:

http://www.gazette-news.co.uk/news/4384415.On_location_in_Essex___funnyman_Rik_Mayall/

and

http://www.echo-news.co.uk/news/4384407.Strip_club_plays_part_in_Rik_Mayall_movie/

My favourite quote being:

“Mr Lawson said: ‘To get the cast we’ve got, it must be considered a pretty good script and story!’”

Mr Lawson being Steve Lawson, the director and all round good egg.

I’ve never used the phrase ‘all round good egg’ before, but it seemed to fit and I’m always up for new things.

And that’s it. That’s your lot for a week or so since I’m now off on holiday to my parents’ house in France. I may post something mid week, I may not. In fact, I probably won’t.

Or maybe I will?

No. No, I doubt it.

But I will leave you with a few words of warning:

If you ever find yourself sitting in a cafe, calmly discussing whether or not to rape a young girl in front of the decaying corpse of her father … make sure you announce loudly, and at every possible juncture, that it’s JUST A FILM. It did seem to put a few people off their soup, but I thought the screaming histrionics and the threat to call the police were uncalled for.

Just for the Record

Working in the micro budget movie industry is a task fraught with inexperience, incompetence and sheer bloody idiocy. It’s been a long standing joke for me that it’s easier to get a script into production, than it is to get a completed film out of the other end – a joke which might be vaguely funny if it wasn’t so heart achingly true.

I’ve worked on 40 feature films, of which only 7 were spec scripts, the other 33 were written specifically for someone. 17 of the 33 never got past the synopsis or treatment stage, but the rest all underwent at least one, usually several, drafts before vanishing into the ether. Of all these projects (689 documents!), only 7 have made it as far as production – not the same 7 as the spec 7, I hasten to add – that would be damn impressive.

40 projects, 7 films entering production – 17.5%,  that’s not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

Until you realise only one completed film has so far made it out of the other end.

One.

Which no one’s ever really seen.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I still believe one or two of the others might limp home; but really, after starting 33 feature projects at the request of various producers and directors - what do I have to show for it?

• Some cash, which I’ve long since spent.
• A CV full of things which, at best, only partially exist.
• A shit load of bizarre and idiotic stories.

I can’t get the cash back and my CV is what it is, but the stories accrued from years of failed projects … there just might be something there:

JUST FOR THE RECORD

In 2008 an independent production company set out to make the micro-budget feature film ‘Just For The Record’.

Armed with a stellar cast of top TV actors, the world’s most advanced digital camera and a quirky location to die for … what could possibly go wrong?

A lot, as it happens.

A year after the film has been abandoned, the cast and crew reunite for a series of interviews about the ill-fated production. It’s a constant round of accusations, recriminations and humorous anecdotes as everyone tries to answer the central burning question: Why did the film fail and whose fault was it?

The interviews reveal a host of possible candidates: For a start there’s the alcoholic, womanising and mostly incompetent Producer. Then there’s the wunderkind Director who doesn’t make films, he creates experiences – bad ones; the writer who’s read every screenplay book going without actually managing to develop any talent; the bi-polar editor who can’t even agree with himself and the DOP who would struggle to understand a ZX Spectrum, let alone a state of the art camera.

Mix them all together with a two week night shoot, a budget smaller than most films’ catering bill, an incompetent crew, a cast who can’t stand each other and a location which proves to be dark, inaccessible and downright un-filmable … and you have the perfect conditions for laying a cinematic turd.

JUST FOR THE RECORD is a warning to anyone thinking of making a feature film on the cheap. By turns hilarious, tragic and poignant the direct to camera interviews of the cast and crew expose what it’s really like in the seedy, cash strapped and ultimately thankless world of micro budget filmmaking.

Reminiscing about every stage of the process from conception through scripting, casting, preproduction, shooting, editing and ultimately giving up in despair – this pathetic tale will entertain, inform and warn off anyone thinking of getting involved in a similar project.

JUST FOR THE RECORD is a how-not-to manual which proves you can have all the talent in the world … or you can have a micro-budget movie.

Shooting starts on the 17th (ten days to go – nothing’s gone wrong yet!) and the cast is superb.

I know, I know, I always say that and be fair, I’m hardly likely to say “The film shoots next week, the script’s good but the cast is fucking awful.” am I? However, in this case I think the cast list speaks for itself:

• Dirk Benedict
• Rik Mayall
• Steven Berkoff
• Geoff Bell
• Roland Manookian
• Phil Davis
• Ian Virgo
• Frank Harper
• Martin Kove
• Craig Fairbrass
• Victoria Silvstedt
• Ciaran Griffiths
• Lots of other people!

For a full cast list, including photos, why not join the Facebook group?

Dirk Benedict! Face! Starbuck! The proper Starbuck! The cool one! The man who’s more or less directly responsible for my arrest for counterfeiting and fraud!

I’m very excited about this cast … but in retrospect, if I’d known Rik Mayall was going to be involved I probably wouldn’t have stolen quite so many jokes from him.

Probably.

JUST FOR THE RECORD – feature project number forty-one and who knows, maybe completed film number two?

Long, boring post

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WARNING – EXTREMELY LONG AND REASONABLY TECHNICAL POST

YOU MAY LIKE TO SKIP TO THE END AND READ THE HAPPY NEWS

OR YOU MAY NOT

RUN AWAY! SAVE YOURSELVES!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

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It’s been a bit of an epic week writing wise, but it’s finishing up in the nicest possible way.

Last Tuesday I had a meeting about an ongoing feature project. It was the first time I’d met the director and that’s always a difficult moment – will he be a nice guy or will he be a twat? Will he appreciate what you’ve done so far or will he ‘want to move in a different direction’ – code for ‘it’s shit, do it again’ … or sometimes ‘it’s shit, you’re fired’. But even getting fired can be considered pleasant compared to the most horrible thing a director can say:

“I think I should co-write it with you.”

To which, the correct response is to drop to your knees, throw your arms wide and scream to the heavens …

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Sometimes there’s nothing worse than ‘Director’s Dialogue’. Not always, some directors are very, very good writers; but as I’ve said many times: most directors can’t direct and most writers can’t write, so a writer/director is usually someone who fails at two things.

And yes, you could point out exceptions, but I could also come round and stab you in the eye with a pencil – so let’s just leave it at that.

So I go for this meeting, a bit on the tired side and woefully unprepared. I didn’t go from home so I didn’t have a copy of the script with me and I hadn’t slept for a little over 24 hours … but it was fine. It was a sunny day, the director’s a nice guy and the first thing he said was about how much he liked the script and DIDN’T WANT TO CHANGE ANY OF THE WORDS I’D WRITTEN.

Fuck me.

None of them?

Cool.

To explain what he did want, I need to go back a little bit and give you a bit of info about the script.

The script was originally conceived as an ultra low budget, single location with no action and where none of the characters ever speak to each other. It’s a talking heads mockumentary with the characters giving their version of an event direct to camera. Since they’re all doing it against the same background, there’re no scene changes and the illusion of a conversation is created by cutting between the different characters. There were a couple of bits of other footage dropped in occasionally, but for all intents and purposes, from a script point of view, it’s one scene for 90 pages.

That was the first draft.

The second draft, along with some story and character changes, was about moving the characters to locations whic reflect their personalities. So instead of everyone coming to a central location to be interviewed, the documentary team went to them at their homes or places of work. Again, there’s no communication between characters and no changing scenes once they’ve been established. It seemed to me, the best way to write this is a scene heading when we first meet the character and then just INTERCUT between them for the rest of the script. What I didn’t want was a new scene heading for every line of dialogue because it would be a) unreadable and b) hundreds of pages long.

All well and good.

Draft three … there is no draft three.

Or not really, one character changed – which amounted to two or three pages worth of re-writes. I accidentally called it draft three while I was waiting for this meeting and it kind of stuck. And that brings us up to last Tuesday.

So we have a script which is essentially just dialogue and the director, quite rightly I thought, wants to make sure it’s visually interesting because otherwise it might as well be a radio play. Yes, the actors would make it come alive on screen, but he wanted to give them things to do as a start point. The other concern was, at 90 pages of pure dialogue, it would probably come in at around 60 mins of screen time.

The task seemed simple: take 90 pages of dialogue and add another 30-40 pages and action to every scene. What he was looking for was something funny (for ’tis a comedy) happening in the background or to the character every time we cut back to them; in other words, a visual gag for every line of dialogue.

That doesn’t sound too hard. He’d even come up with ideas for the first 30 pages so a third of it was already more or less done. On the way home I was thinking about this and came to the conclusion: as well as seeing something funny, since we were now going to be moving some of the characters around a bit, why not visually tell a different story for each character? It doesn’t have to be anything complicated, but the characters can be trying to achieve something and every time we see them they’re either closer or further away from their goal.

No problems. 30-40 pages of extra dialogue – that’s a couple of days’ work.

Funny visuals for each line of dialogue which follow on from each other to create multiple interlocking storylines – that’s … fucking hard.

Hence the reason, at 4 am this morning, I finished a week of 12 to 18 hour days.

Oh, and the rush is because the film shoots on the 17th May and needs to be scheduled asap. In fact, because of the way the script was written, until the end of the 4th draft no one has any idea of what locations might be needed – not even me.

And to be fair, I actually typed THE END at 10.30 pm yesterday; but a) it took a couple of hours to spell check and proof read and b) there was one more huge fucking problem: the resulting script is completely unfilmable.

Because it was shit?

Hopefully not, but you never know.

It’s unfilmable in a technical sense because of the way it’s been written. Again, purely for reasons of clarity and enjoyment of reading, there are very few scene headings. I only put scene headings in the first time we see someone in that location and don’t mention where they are again until they move to a new one.

So for the main characters, they might spend the first 30 or so pages of the script in one location; but only speak twice a page or so. From a scheduling point of view, that scene isn’t 30 pages long, it might only be 6 or 7 pages long. From an actor’s point of view they have to learn 6 or 7 pages of dialogue by combing through 30 pages of script.

For the minor characters it’s even worse. One character, for example, speaks on the first page and the last (as well as every now and then in between) – her total dialogue is one two-page scene – but she has to wade through 164*pages to find them. So do the ADs for scheduling – and they have to do that for every character!

Plus it’s difficult for me to work out what the character was doing last and to maintain a constant flow of their dialogue and story. Something needed to be done. Which is why, at 4 am this morning I finished a second script – the production script (178 pages!). I combed through 164 pages worth of dialogue and collected them all together into scenes, separating them with a transition: LATER – hence the extra pages.

The original script is now the STORY SCRIPT, which is one you can give people to read and enjoy – I would say for casting, but that’s pretty much all done now – and the PRODUCTION SCRIPT is for … well, production. It makes no fucking sense to read, since each scene is just one person’s side of a ten sided conversation, but at least it can be scheduled and filmed. As an extra level of common sense – all the scene numbers in both drafts match up.

The big problem now will be any tweaks for the next draft since every word changed has to be changed in two scripts where they’re on completely different pages – but fuck it, I’m not thinking about that for the moment. I’m thinking about tomorrow and the nice way to end the week of hard bloody graft.

Tomorrow there are two pleasant things happening:

1. Karma Magnet is showing at the Southend Film Festival - 6.30pm at the Southend Central Library for anyone in the area and/or desperate to see it on a big (?) screen.
2. A sitcom pilot I co-wrote with Lee Otway begins shooting. It’s got a great cast, so hopefully it’ll all turn out quite nicely.

I was going to post the cast list but I think that can wait until another post – this one has already got way out of hand.

As is traditional, I won’t be going anywhere near the filming and will be hiding somewhere exotic. A randomly thrown dart at the map tells me I’m going to be in … Crouch End.

Hmm … not that exotic then, but sounds vaguely rude so it might be fun.

Ta ta.

*I know, 164 pages! Fuck me! But there is a reason … I just haven’t decided what it is yet.

Karam Magnet

Do you long for the days when you got two films for the price of one at the cinema?

Do you yearn for times past when the local fleapit showed a clever little short film before the main feature?

Do you mourn the passing of those little featurettes which raised a smile, provoked a thought or otherwise tugged at your heart strings?

Well mourn no longer for those happy days are upon you once more!!!!!!!!

You! Yes, you sir! Don’t try to hide behind that young lady, I can see you. You too could be re-living the old days with this smashing two for one offer. Be the envy of your friends and admired by women (and/or men) everywhere by buying the movie-tastic treat which is the Karma Magnet/Wishbaby Double Bill DVD!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I just say Double Bill?

You’re darn tooting I did!!!!!!!!!!!

Marvel at the sheer shortness of the short film (wot I wrote and you’ve probably already seen on the Internet) shown on your very own telly!!!!!!!!!!!

And that’s not all.

Buy Karma Magnet and you also get, absolutely free, a personal viewing using your very own eyeballs of the feature-length cinematic treat which is … Wishbaby!!!!!!!! A film I have nothing to do with but was described by Fangoria as ‘a film’ and by Total Film as ‘What? Who are you? How did you get this number?’

That’s right, this amazing offer is available to one and all. For the measly little sum of ’some money’, you too can own the amazing Karma Magnet/Wishbaby Double Bill DVD!!!!!!!!!!

Recreate those halcyon days of the silver screen in the comfort of your own living room. Once you own your very own Karma Magnet/Wishbaby Double Bill DVD you will instantly be transported back* to those movie-going days of yore WITHOUT ACTUALLY LEAVING YOUR FRONT ROOM!!!!!!!!!

Invite all your friends round and get them to smoke heavily until you’re unable to see your TV!!!!!!!! Leave your back door open so the chavvy fourteen year olds can sneak in and then talk all the way through a movie they’re far too fucking stupid to understand!!!!!! Why not pay Fat Ethel with the gammy eyes and the buck teeth to stand in the corner with a tray around her neck, point a torch in your face during the feature presentation, shout about ice creams and then scream at you as if you’d face raped her baby because she hasn’t got change for a fiver?!!!!!!!!!

All this and more can be yours for the paltry sum of ’some money’!!!!!!!!!

But act fast, this offer is only available for an unspecified amount of time and may vanish, finish or spontaneously combust at any moment!!!!!!!

If you find after purchasing the Karma Magnet/Wishbaby Double Bill DVD you are in any way dissatisfied with either the performances, storylines, music or DVD shape you can, at NO EXTRA COST, complain all you fucking like because it will be too late and I’ll already have 0.00000000000000007p of YOUR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Karma Magnet/Wishbaby Double Bill DVD – can you afford to miss out? Go buy the DVD now! Why not buy one for Auntie Vera? She’s half deaf, half blind and all stoopid – she’ll think it’s Bambi!!!!!!

Go buy it NOW before people jeer at you and avoid you in the street.

The Karma Magnet/Wishbaby … is anyone else getting bored of this?

Fuck it. Karma Magnet out on DVD. Technically it’s an extra on the Wishbaby DVD but in the interests of me feeling important, I’m pretending Wishbaby is an extra on the Karma Magnet DVD. If only they hadn’t spelt it Karam Magnet on Amazon and Play.com.

Bye.

*Actual Temporal Transportation may not occur

Challenges

“THOU SHALT NOT USE CAMERA ANGLES

Don’t use them, ever. Under no circumstances are you to direct the camera. In fact, if you so much as mention the word ‘camera’ anywhere in your script I’ll fucking kill you, then I’ll come round your house, rape your goldfish and shit on your carpet.”

Or so the rules tell us.

Fair enough, but I’m all about the challenge these days.

I’ve finally finished the last of the ‘Four Feature Films by Easter Challenge’ and what can I say?

I failed.

Sorry.

Only by a little bit, mind you. Only by two days or so. Come on, that’s not bad. I’ve even managed two drafts of two of them – give me a little bit of credit. Please?

No?

Fine, fuck you.

Number three in the Easter Challenge was interesting and had a very peculiar set of rules:

1) No action lines. At all. You can have a few lines which set the scene, but not one single line of action after that – the entire script has to be pure dialogue.

2) Because of rule 1, the characters can’t move. You can choose where to seat them, but once they’re sitting down they can’t leave that seat for the entire 90 pages.

3) None of the characters can be in the same room and they aren’t allowed to talk to each other via any medium.

Hmm … tricky.

Oh yeah, and it has to be written in a few days because it’s being filmed in two weeks … three weeks … next month.

Actually, it was surprisingly easy and seemed to go down very well.

Number four was another doozy, and here’s where I had to break the camera angles rule. Number four has no movie camera – no audience point of view watching the characters, so no fourth wall. You can only see what the characters record using camcorders, security cameras and mobile phones.

Not iPhones, obviously; but, you know, proper phones.

Every scene therefore, has to have a camera mentioned in it somewhere. What type is it? Who’s holding it? What can they see? What can’t they see? It added another level of complexity to a script which was already proving difficult and goes part of the way to explaining why I didn’t quite make the Easter deadline.

And it felt weird. Me, describing the camera? Gosh. What awesome power.

But now it’s done, fired off and awaiting a verdict. I can breathe relatively easy for a while.

So what else is going on? How are you? How was the scribomeet on Tuesday?

I might even read some of my emails now.

Hmm … apparently I’ve got a sitcom pilot I co-wrote shooting on May 1st. That’s nice. Great cast too by the look of it.

Do I want to stay hard all night? No, not really.

Have I got any ideas for American TV shows? Yeah sure, why not?

Is my penis too small? Um, too small for what?

Oh, Easter Challenge film number three now has to have action lines added, apparently and they’ve cast … HOLY FUCK! No fucking way! xxxxxx xxxxxxx? But he was xxxxx xxx xxxx in xxxxxx xxxxx!

xxxxx xxx xxxx wants to be in a movie I wrote? Shit the bed!

He was xxxxx xxxxx as well! The original xxxxx xxxxx, the seriously fucking cool xxxxx xxxxx!

Sweet fucking, nailed up Christ!

I need to lie down.

Curiouser and curiouser

The Wrong Door has been nominated for a BAFTA.

Okay, so it’s for the special effects and not the writing, but fuck it – from now on I’m introducing myself as a BAFTA nominated writer.

Sadly it’s up against ‘Doctor Who – Fires of Pompeii’ by the scribosphere’s very own James Moran. I think the only fair way to settle this is if he and I fight it out, dressed as Princess Leia (the metal bikini version, naturally) in a paddling pool full of white-chocolate rice pudding (which my mum makes – it’s very nice). In deference to Mr Moran’s obviously superior writing ability, I’ll allow him to choose the weapons, the time and the place.

The world is full of surprises, isn’t it?

Weird … oh no, it’s cool

A few weeks back I had a handful of emails from actors looking for work.

Nothing unusual in that, it happens with alarming regularity and I usually politely respond with one simple fact:

I’m a writer, I have no opportunity to get anyone any acting work on any production whatsoever. Seriously, no one listens to my opinion or even remotely cares about anything I have to say. I could be best mates with Tom Cruise and wouldn’t be able to get him a job. My opinion means nothing.

Which is precisely how it should be. No one should ever listen to my opinion – it’s always wrong.

Actually, you could listen to it and do the opposite. That’s probably a good course of action.

Anyway, what made those particular emails unusual is they were enquiring about roles for a specific film … a film I probably didn’t write and as far as I knew wasn’t getting made any time soon.

Except … it turns out it is. This Friday as it happens … but I didn’t actually write it.

Confused?

Me too. Let’s go back to the beginning.

A few years back, producer Jonathan Sothcott was talking about remaking ‘House on Straw Hill’ also known as ‘Exposé’ and apparently the only film still banned in the UK. I watched the DVD (how naughty, can I get arrested for that?) and by the halfway mark I’d come to the conclusion the only way the film could make any sense would be if … something, something, something …

Which Jonathan liked. A lot. He actually wrote down genius on a bit of paper and circled it – but in retrospect he may have been talking about himself.

I wrote out a longish synopsis, which everyone loved, rushed out a script, royally fucked it up and delivered an absolute turd. Which I am still ashamed of, but I make a point of bringing up every now and then to remind myself never, ever to do it again.

And that was pretty much it. I moved on to pastures … different. None of them are particularly greener – they’re just different – and I kind of forgot about the whole thing.

Until I started getting emails asking for roles in the film.

Apparently there was an advert on Casting Call Pro for ‘Exposé’ and an Internet search brings up my name because I haven’t got round to taking it off my website. A quick call to Jonathan confirmed they were going ahead with the film on the 27th March (this Friday). Martin Kemp’s directing a script he’s written and it stars Philip Davis, Jane March and Anna Brecon.

There’s an article in Fangoria about it here.

What’s all this got to do with me?

Well, not a lot to be honest – apart from my mate’s making a film and because I mumbled a few words in a pub a couple of years ago – I get a ’story by’ credit. Which is nice. It’s another produced feature credit, for no extra work, with a share of the glory if it’s good and plausible deniability if it’s not.

I’m pretty confident it will be good though, so hooray!

I was beginning to think I wouldn’t get my name on any films this year.

Mind you, it’s only March and the pipeline is looking pretty full …