I’m back

… and I’m kicking bottom.

So, d’ya miss me? Huh? Did ya? D’ya miss me?

I bet you did.

Come on, ‘fess up; who’s been waiting eagerly for my return?

None of you? Really?

Oh.

Okay, fine. Sod you then.

I’ve been having a great time. Thank you all for your congratulations on the last post, they’re all much appreciated. So far Alice is a very laid back baby …

She tends to sleep more than she whinges and we’re all feeling very rested and happy.

I haven’t done a scrap of writing in the last two weeks and I’m itching to get back into it. The next week’s already mapped out and a few other projects are lurking in the wings waiting for a spare day or two to shine.

Although I’ve been bone idle for fourteen whole days, things have been ticking over in my absence and stuff has been happening without any extra effort from me. In the last two weeks:

1) Fleeced started shooting. This is my third feature to go into production this year and I can’t help thinking one every two months isn’t a bad average. The cast includes George Calil, Alan Convy and Natasha White; and it’s directed by Humaira Shah … beyond that I don’t really know anything. I’ll post more info as and when I get it.

 

 

2) An old project, one I thought long since dead, has resurfaced and threatens to spring into life once more. I was so convinced this one was dead it hasn’t even crossed my mind for months; but apparently there is a way forward. Wheels have been set in motion, steam is building up and I’m currently wandering the globe (or at least the UK … and by email, which probably doesn’t count as wandering) trying to get the band back together.

3) An extremely well established project, one which had got so far down the line it didn’t seem feasible it could go wrong, has gone wrong. Sort of. In the best traditions of the industry it threatened to implode in a frenzy of incompetence, political bullshit and bitchy back-stabbing. Although, that may have all been sorted now.

4) I got an invite to a screening of The Wrong Door, which takes place next week. I’m looking forward to this as I have absolutely no idea of what to expect. The weird thing about working on a sketch show is you don’t know what any of the other material will be like or how much of it will be yours. To be fair, I have read a handful of other sketches from other writers; but I’ve no idea if any of them made the final cut.

And 5) I got a few quotes in an article on TwelvePoint.com, written by our very own Lucy. Since this article was featured on the very first day of the launch of this fantastic new site; I’m chuffed to have at least got a vague mention. Probably not quite as chuffed as Lucy to have actually written the article; but chuffed none-the-less.

And that’s about it. Isn’t that enough considering I’ve done nothing for two weeks?

Oh, and to back up Stuart Perry’s post about Cyril Connolly’s quote “The pram in the hallway is the enemy of art” …

Bollocks.

Where there’s a deadline, there’s a way.

Back in two weeks

Meet Alice Hope Glen-Barron. Born 03:45 on the 18/6/08, 6lb 11oz.

I’m out of here for a while, see you in two weeks.

Take ‘em out back and shoot ‘em in the head

A few years back (2004? 2005? Can’t remember) a producer I knew was going to Cannes (maybe it was 2003?) and he wanted ’ a pile of feature scripts’ to take with him.

It was 2002, definitely.

Or maybe 2001.

Fuck it, it was years ago whenever it was. Anyway, in January he said he was going to Cannes. By May I’d written him six feature scripts. Two of them were re-writes of earlier scripts, four were completely fresh.

As it turns out, he didn’t take any of the scripts with him - he either forgot them or didn’t have space in his suitcase or some other fairly useless excuse.

Over the next few years those six scripts, with the addition of one more became my spec library. I whittled away at them on my own for a while, submitted them to TriggerStreet and used the feedback to re-write them until they were all in the top ten.

Satisfied they were all of a reasonable quality, I sent them out to anyone and everyone who would read them. Currently, of those seven scripts, three are under option; one lies in pieces, after I dismantled it to discover why it was shit and never quite got round to putting the pieces back together again; and three have never had any interest whatsoever.

Well, that’s not strictly true. One of them won me some script coverage which in turn got me a discussion with an American manager which in turn led absolutely nowhere. The general consensus is it’s a fantastic script; but too British for America and too expensive for Britain.

The other two … nothing. No one has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in them. One of them is a very personal story which doesn’t quite work. The other is a rom-com: a great concept which isn’t quite realised properly.

A while back I came to the conclusion these scripts just weren’t good enough; but I continued to send them out on the grounds someone might be stupid enough to make them. I mean, people like all kinds of shit so why not these three? Maybe they’re not as bad as I think they are?

Or maybe they are exactly as bad as I know they are.

Today though, I have decided: no more. I am officially retiring the last of these three spec scripts. No more will I send them out in the vain hope of finding a home for them. These three club-footed children of mine are finished. It’s over. Nobody loves you kids so get in the sack, hold onto these bricks and it’s a dizzying plunge into the icy waters of oblivion for you.

Bye now. See ya. Bye, bye.

I’m not deleting them, of course - just in case; but I’m no longer actively sending them out or letting people read them. If someone happens to ask me specifically for something which is identical to one of the scripts then maybe I’ll fish them out of the river - but barring that unlikely scenario, they’re gone.

With that in mind I’ve also removed all of the sample scripts from my website. All of the sitcoms and TV series and short films - all gone. None of them are representative of my writing now, they all show what I could do three or four years ago.

I’d like to think I’ve improved a little since then.

My watch word from now on is quality, not quantity. I’ve build up a nice CV and it’s now time to focus on newer and better material.

So there.

As an aside, I’ve just had an email this morning telling me one of the three under option, FLEECED, starts shooting in 18 days. That’ll be my third feature produced this year and we’re only half way through. With a baby arriving this month, another blackbelt grading this weekend and The Wrong Door hitting BBC 3 in the Autumn … I’m really liking 2008 so far.

Mixed Up bits

Bit of a pointless post really; but hey, it’s early here.

Firstly: Mixed Up is now up on IMDb - that means it’s real. Officially real, as opposed to the imaginary project it was yesterday. Which obviously means my IMDb page now has another credit. I know this is a sad bit of worthless self promotion but … no, I have no defence. I just want people to look at my IMDb page.

You can be amazed, jealous, bored, dissmissive … whatever. Choose your own reaction.

And secondly, there’s now an official website other than the myspace page: www.mixedupthemovie.com.

There’s fuck all on it at the moment, but it’s there.

And with those pointless words, I’m off to breakfast.

Kick off

Mixed Up starts shooting today.

This is good news, I like it when projects start shooting - there’s a lot less chance they’ll fall apart and disappear. It’s not a guarantee of course, but it’s marginally less likely.

What impresses me most is the speed with which this has all come about. It was the end of November last year when the director, Lawrence Pearce, took me to peer through the windows of Beanos and mentioned something about a slacker comedy.

Since we’d met to talk about a different project, I thought we were just idly chatting on the way back to the station. It wasn’t until a week later I learnt I was writing it.

Lawrence provided the story, I provided a synopsis followed by a treatment and started the script near the end of January.

That’s three months from typing FADE IN: to the director yelling: ‘ACTION!’

That’s pretty quick.

By way of contrast, there’s another project I’ve been working on which is still going SEVEN YEARS down the line. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS! Three months? That’s the way it should be. All films should work like that.

In those three months (or less really, since it took three weeks to deliver the first draft) producer Jonathan Sothcott has secured funding and a great cast: Billy Murray, Adele Silva, Lee Otway, Zara Dawson, Abi Titmuss, Anna Brecon, Terry Stone, Giles Alderson, Katia Winter and of course, Sylvester McCoy.

Great cast, great location, great director.

Great script? I don’t know, people seem to like it. I’ll reserve judgement until I’ve seen the final product.

Despite my own paranoia, I have high hopes for this one. It’s exciting and it’s happening right now. No messing about, get the script, get the money, make the film.

I love it.

Having said that, with production starting today, I am, of course, going to go and hide in the Caribbean until it’s all over.

The Sun

Abi Titmuss was in The Sun today:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/article1016941.ece

I would like to draw your attention to the following quote:

“I have just got a little part in a British film, a comedy, but I can’t talk about that yet!”

She may not be able to, but I can … because it’s my film.

Or at least a film I wrote.

That’s right, as well as not being mentioned in Hello! a few weeks back, I’ve now not been mentioned in The Sun. At this rate I’ll be completely anonymous for years to come. My name will literally be on no one’s lips.

Fame is ignoring me, but in public.

Basically, Abi is going to be in Mixed Up. Which also has a natty new poster:

So there you go: not being mentioned in The Sun and a new poster.

I told you life was good.

Spring writing

Spring is here and life’s comfortably busy. It’s all ticking over in a constant stream of work, which, as long as I keep on top of it, is perfectly manageable.

Despite me saying I was going to focus on some TV stuff this year, I seem to be working almost exclusively on more movies. I can’t say I’m particularly upset since I like working on films; but I really must look at getting some TV work soon.

Or at least, as soon as I finish off my current workload. It’s a sort of conveyer belt system at the moment with five feature films on the go in a constant cycle of moving them from synopsis to treatment to longer treatment to first draft to rewrites (ad nauseum) and finally to shooting script.

Right now I’m niggling at Mixed Up which starts shooting in a few weeks - the script’s as good as done, there’s just the odd change and tweak for production reasons from now on.

There’s the sequel to K which is now a three page treatment awaiting comment and discussion.

Night Junkies: The Cure which is at first draft stage - although that’s a co-written thing, so the first draft wasn’t done by me but is from my treatment which in turn is based on Lawrence’s ideas.

Tripping Up which is at second draft stage and awaiting further instructions.

And a new comedy which I’m turning into a synopsis today.

I like working like this, just breezing from one project to the next until you get round them all. It’s easy to budget my time for and it’s relatively stress free. I know roughly how long each stage should take for each project and I can just relax and get on with it.

I’m even having to turn down a few things - two features in as many weeks - on the grounds I haven’t really got the time to devote to them. They were both projects I probably would have done given the time, but ones I would have had to drum up the enthusiasm for rather than being fired up by just the idea.

So instead of piling on project after project until I’m screaming at the walls for interrupting me when I’m thinking, I’m progressing at a comfortable pace and enjoying the work. It’s all tranquil streams and calm summer meadows in this office right now.

Of course, there’s always that cloud of pure panic on the horizon. The nagging sense that someone, somewhere is going to ask me to do something I can’t say no to. Something which is going to cram itself into my schedule and destroy any luxurious free time I’m currently able to spend on anything I damn well please.

But then, that’s the whole point of not overcrowding my plate - I can do it if I feel the need. Until that thundercloud of franticness breaks, I’m just sculling lazily along from project to project like a contented bee.

In a boat, apparently. I must stop mixing metaphors.

The sun’s shining, my fingers are remarkably blood free and all is well.

Simply the best

So, this is the thing I got an invite to.

Which is very exciting.

The email also said:

“A meet, greet and have a drink kind of a night. An informal evening to gather together the best of Britain’s new young writing talent and to let you know what we are up to and what we are looking for here in the BBC New Comedy Unit.”

Which is also very exciting.

“… the best of Britain’s new young writing talent …“

That’s me that is.

“… the best …”

And that’s from the BBC so it’s official.

See? I told you so. Didn’t I tell you so? And no one would believe me.

Anyway, this sounds like a great opportunity and one I’m really looking forward to.

Did I mention I was excited?

I did?

What about being the best? Did I mention I was the best?

Okay then.

I figured it was important to do a bit of research; you know, find out which producers are going to be there, what shows they’ve done, what sort of thing they might like. Then I figured I should prep a few ideas, or at least review the ones I’ve written in the past, just in case anyone asks or it happens to come up in conversation. Plus, I figured it might be nice to find out if there were any other writers I know who might be able to hold my hand or at least let me hide behind them if it all gets too much.

Obviously, this is a lot of figuring to do in one go, so I needed a little lie down.

Unfortunately, the little lie down lasted a bit longer than I expected and I haven’t had time to do any of it.

I did put ‘BBC New Comedy Unit’ into Google, just so I’d have a rough idea who was going to be there.

Ah, Google, the old faithful source of all knowledge. Google, who’s never yet let me down. Google, who’s … oh.

Nothing.

Google - you bastard.

Well, not nothing. There was a New Comedy Unit in Manchester in 2005.

Doesn’t help really.

Balls.

Never mind, I know a few people at the BBC - I’ll ask them.

Nope, they’ve never heard of it either.

Ah.

Right.

Obviously, it’s so new that it’s still a secret. Cool! I’m getting in on the ground floor - presumably because I’m the best.

Did I mention that?

Yes, that must be it; it’s obviously a secret unit which only reveals itself on the first full moon after the vernal equinox. A secret revealed only to those deemed worthy enough of being titled ‘the best’ …

Bugger.

I probably shouldn’t have blogged about it then.

Oh well, too late now.

I have no idea what to expect, I have no idea what’s going to happen or who will be there or even what’s expected of me … but I am looking forward to it and I’m hoping it will at least be fun.

I’ll let you know tomorrow.

Hmm …

So, did anyone else just get an invite to something on Thursday the 3rd? The kind of something people like me don’t normally get invited to? The kind of thing which has:

“… an informal evening to gather together the best of Britain’s new young writing talent …“

on the invite?

‘Informal’ I kind of get, but ‘best’, ‘new’,  ’young’ and ‘talent’ are rarely words which are fired in my direction … especially by this kind of organisation.

Basically, I want to know three things:

1. Has everyone in the world been invited and I’m just invited by default?
2. Did I get an invite by mistake?
3. If the answers to 1) and 2) are no, is anyone going who can hold my hand?

I know it’s a legit event and I know it’s not a scam, I just don’t know why I’ve been invited.

Apologies for the rather cryptic post, but I’m not sure I should start shouting out details until I know what’s going on.

Next!

So Mixed Up was not only the last script to be written in my old office, but the first to be re-written in my new office. The second draft is done and away - it still needs a little tweaking, but hopefully that’s mostly to do with some background style-things rather than actual plot and dialogue.

Hopefully.

The first draft was very well received, so hopefully this one will be too.

Which leaves me free to do whatever I …

Except no, already this morning I’ve had phone calls about two more features.

Which is cool, and stuff I had already agreed to do - and in one case have already done a draft of - I just thought I might get a little breather to try my hand at some TV stuff before it all kicked off again.

Never mind, it’s exciting, it’s dynamic and I’m still employed.

TV stuff can wait.