The Wrong Door screening

Well, that was … you know what, I’ll start from the beginning.

A couple of days ago I thought I was having a heart attack. I can’t say I was overly concerned since I figured it was probably like a stitch and I could just ‘run it off’. However as the pain got worse and worse and began to restrict my breathing, I was wondering if maybe it was something a little more serious. I don’t really like to bother the NHS, so I just left it to see what would happen - an interesting experience when you can’t lift your arms and breathe at the same time - and eventually the pain settled in my spine.

I think I’ve just pulled a muscle in my back, but it’s right over the spine and is pretty painful. Painful enough to be distorting my posture, pulling my hips over to the left and causing my right shoulder to dip alarmingly. If I want to keep my head upright, I have to move it towards my left shoulder - which causes more pain. If I want to keep it in line with my spine, I have look like I’ve got my head tilted to the right - kind of like George Clooney’s floppy neck, but without the looks, money or charm.

If you’ve ever tried walking with your shoulders tilted, your head at an angle and your hips thrown the opposite way, you’ll know two things:

1. It’s impossible to walk in a straight line.
2. You end up limping along like a demented scientist’s assistant.

So it came to pass I left home at 10.45 yesterday morning looking like an ginger Quasimodo on his way to fetch the marster a new brain.

I spent most of the day with Lawrence Pearce going over Mixed Up and talking about some potential new projects. I was sitting down for most of that, so I think I got away with my corkscrew posture.

All well and good and a lovely time was had by all. Or at least me, anyway. I wouldn’t like to speak for anyone else.

In the evening I made my way to Notting Hill Gate for the pre-screening drinks with the cast and crew of The Wrong Door.

Not wanting to repeat the same mistakes I made last time, I decided I was going to storm into the pub and hurl myself at the first who looked like they might have something to do with the show.

Steadfastly I marched up to the pub, straight past it and into Starbucks for a quick cuppa.

No sense rushing into things.

One refreshing cup of tea later and I’m ready to mingle like a fury.

How the hell am I going to recognise these people among the normal pub crowd? Don’t know, don’t car - just get in and get on with it.

I barrel into the pub and am a bit surprised to instantly stumble on a table full of people chatting over a sign which says RESERVED FOR THE BBC. So surprised in fact that I whizz straight past the table without stopping; but that’s okay because it gives me the opportunity to grab a drink and peruse the layout at my leisure.

There are a row of tables reserved for the BBC, the first one is full of people who are in full conversational flow - they seem to be having fun and I don’t really want to interrupt them.

The second table however has one solitary occupant and she’s my target. Brilliant! I can get chatting to her and she can introduce me to someone else and before you know it I’m in a proper conversation.

Start simple.

“Hi I’m Phill, I’m one of the writers.”

“Hi I’m (didn’t catch the name), I’m the wife of one of the supporting artists.”

Then, presumably in response to my blank look:

“One of the extras.”

Oh.

Bugger.

She doesn’t know anyone here either. Still, she was a nice lady so we chatted for a half hour or so before Chris Taylor arrived and I finally had someone in the room I knew well enough to chat to. Not only is Chris the man who got me the Wrong Door job in the first place, but we also co-wrote LVJ together. I’ve known him for years and better still, he knows everyone on the production team.

Chris introduces me to a lot of people, explaining which sketches I wrote and everyone is very complimentary and friendly. The two hours leading up to the screening goes very quickly and, apart from squinting at everyone through lopsided pain, I really enjoyed myself.

Then we decamped to the cinema, which was a lovely old building with a proper old-fashioned auditorium with loads of leg room and what I first took to be a really impressive sub-woofer until I realised it was probably just a passing tube train.

They showed us the first two episodes of The Wrong Door and it’s absolutely fucking excellent.

It’s hilarious, there’s nothing else to say.

And I’m not even talking about my sketches, of which there was one fairly long one in each episode, but the show as a whole is just brilliant. I found it very difficult to judge whether my sketches were funny or not, but people laughed so I guess they must be. I was sitting next to Thom Tuck who played one of my characters who said it was one of the most depraved and demeaning things he ever had to do.

Which I consider a personal achievement.

On the way out, I bumped into the principle cast of my sketches and decided to introduce myself to Neil Fox who plays, um, Doctor Fox:

“Hi, I’m Phill Barron, I wrote the sketches you did.”

“Oh hi, they were great.”

“No, you were great.”

Then we kind of ran out things to say to each other. This would have been a good point to wander off, but unfortunately someone was blocking the door and chatting so we stood there in fairly awkward silence for a good minute or so.

Which is quite a long time to not to say anything to anyone. Try it. Approach random strangers, introduce yourself and then don’t say anything for a minute. See how you get on.

Outside I nearly had the same problem - there were about 170 people there, we all spilled onto the pavement together and I momentarily lost sight of everyone I’d been introduced to. Luckily, before I inflicted myself on anyone else I was spotted by the lovely Sarah Morgan and he equally lovely boyfriend, Tim. Sarah’s one of the Wrong Door writers who reads this blog and recognised me from my photo, despite me not being black and white in real life.

We all decamped to a nearby bar where I had a good chat with Sarah and Tim. Well, I say a good chat; but it was more like a good shout with a lot of ‘eh?’ and ‘what?’ thrown in as we were competing with a DJ who refused to turn the music down. There was no one in this bar except for us lot, but he wasn’t having any of it.

“People want banging tunes, innit?”

“No, people want you to shut the fuck up.”

But he didn’t.

The rest of the night flew by and I actually managed to get a decent chat with the producer and head of the New Comedy Unit, Jack Cheshire, without falling asleep or staring blankly at him. He’s a really nice guy and we had a decent chat about the show and other stuff. I even managed to pitch two projects to him - sort of. I just mentioned some stuff and he asked to read them, which has got to be a good thing.

Although, perhaps I shouldn’t have told him I couldn’t send them to him because they were shit?

Yes, now I come to think of it, that was probably the wrong thing to do.

Oh well.

I met loads of people after that, although I think the highlight for me was the director, Ben Wheatley’s, story about doing unspeakable things to Prince’s food.

Overall, I had a great night. So good in fact that I missed the last train to Eastbourne and arrived at Victoria hoping against hope there was an inexplicable extra train at two in the morning.

There wasn’t.

Or at least I don’t think there was, someone had helpfully stolen the ‘E’ page from the timetable; but as far as I could tell the next train was at five-thirty in the morning.

I felt and still feel pretty awful about this. I didn’t really want to leave Mandy with the baby all night and feel like a very bad daddy.

Yes you are, you fucking wanker.

Sorry, that was Mandy. Can’t argue with that.

Luckily for me, not so much for Mandy or Alice, Chris stepped in and offered me a bed at his place and I finally rolled home at 10.45 this morning - 24 hours after I left.

I really am, very sorry.

Not fucking good enough.

No.

So anyway, I had a great night, met some nice people and hardly embarrassed myself at all. I even managed to steal one of the production team’s T-shirts:

Technically, this belongs to Robin Hill, so if you want it back Rob, let me know.

And the best part of the night for me? Not one person noticed my lopsidedness - or if they did, they were polite enough not to comment.

Screening tomorrow

I’m off up to London tomorrow for a screening of The Wrong Door, the sketch show I worked on for BBC Three.

Like I said the other day, I have no idea what to expect. Not only do I not know how much of my material made the final cut, but I’ve no real concept of what the overall style of the show is, how it looks or what the other writers have contributed.

Some things I do know about my sketches:

1. I’m pretty certain I’ve got some material in the show since they’ve invited me to the screening. Unless the plan is to get me up to London then refuse me entry while everyone else points and laughs. I’d like to think the BBC has better things to do.
2. I’ve been told one series of sketches is one of the main-stays of the show - as far as I know there are two in each show; but who knows what changes have been made during editing?
3. IMDb lists one of my characters in the cast list - Pippa Haywood of Green WIng fame, if anyone’s interested.
4. At least one of the photos on the above invite looks like a still from one of my sketches; but it could be a coincidence.

Some things I know about other people’s sketches:

1. There’s a dinosaur called Philip.
2. There are a lot of clowns.
3. And ninjas.
4. Maybe even pirates too.
5. Um … that’s about it.

Actually, I know quite a bit more than this having read the pilot script and seen a few bits and bobs; but I don’t want to give the game away. Suffice it to say, I’m really looking forward to the screening and can’t wait to see how it’s all turned out.

I’m back

… and I’m kicking bottom.

So, d’ya miss me? Huh? Did ya? D’ya miss me?

I bet you did.

Come on, ‘fess up; who’s been waiting eagerly for my return?

None of you? Really?

Oh.

Okay, fine. Sod you then.

I’ve been having a great time. Thank you all for your congratulations on the last post, they’re all much appreciated. So far Alice is a very laid back baby …

She tends to sleep more than she whinges and we’re all feeling very rested and happy.

I haven’t done a scrap of writing in the last two weeks and I’m itching to get back into it. The next week’s already mapped out and a few other projects are lurking in the wings waiting for a spare day or two to shine.

Although I’ve been bone idle for fourteen whole days, things have been ticking over in my absence and stuff has been happening without any extra effort from me. In the last two weeks:

1) Fleeced started shooting. This is my third feature to go into production this year and I can’t help thinking one every two months isn’t a bad average. The cast includes George Calil, Alan Convy and Natasha White; and it’s directed by Humaira Shah … beyond that I don’t really know anything. I’ll post more info as and when I get it.

 

 

2) An old project, one I thought long since dead, has resurfaced and threatens to spring into life once more. I was so convinced this one was dead it hasn’t even crossed my mind for months; but apparently there is a way forward. Wheels have been set in motion, steam is building up and I’m currently wandering the globe (or at least the UK … and by email, which probably doesn’t count as wandering) trying to get the band back together.

3) An extremely well established project, one which had got so far down the line it didn’t seem feasible it could go wrong, has gone wrong. Sort of. In the best traditions of the industry it threatened to implode in a frenzy of incompetence, political bullshit and bitchy back-stabbing. Although, that may have all been sorted now.

4) I got an invite to a screening of The Wrong Door, which takes place next week. I’m looking forward to this as I have absolutely no idea of what to expect. The weird thing about working on a sketch show is you don’t know what any of the other material will be like or how much of it will be yours. To be fair, I have read a handful of other sketches from other writers; but I’ve no idea if any of them made the final cut.

And 5) I got a few quotes in an article on TwelvePoint.com, written by our very own Lucy. Since this article was featured on the very first day of the launch of this fantastic new site; I’m chuffed to have at least got a vague mention. Probably not quite as chuffed as Lucy to have actually written the article; but chuffed none-the-less.

And that’s about it. Isn’t that enough considering I’ve done nothing for two weeks?

Oh, and to back up Stuart Perry’s post about Cyril Connolly’s quote “The pram in the hallway is the enemy of art” …

Bollocks.

Where there’s a deadline, there’s a way.

Take ‘em out back and shoot ‘em in the head

A few years back (2004? 2005? Can’t remember) a producer I knew was going to Cannes (maybe it was 2003?) and he wanted ’ a pile of feature scripts’ to take with him.

It was 2002, definitely.

Or maybe 2001.

Fuck it, it was years ago whenever it was. Anyway, in January he said he was going to Cannes. By May I’d written him six feature scripts. Two of them were re-writes of earlier scripts, four were completely fresh.

As it turns out, he didn’t take any of the scripts with him - he either forgot them or didn’t have space in his suitcase or some other fairly useless excuse.

Over the next few years those six scripts, with the addition of one more became my spec library. I whittled away at them on my own for a while, submitted them to TriggerStreet and used the feedback to re-write them until they were all in the top ten.

Satisfied they were all of a reasonable quality, I sent them out to anyone and everyone who would read them. Currently, of those seven scripts, three are under option; one lies in pieces, after I dismantled it to discover why it was shit and never quite got round to putting the pieces back together again; and three have never had any interest whatsoever.

Well, that’s not strictly true. One of them won me some script coverage which in turn got me a discussion with an American manager which in turn led absolutely nowhere. The general consensus is it’s a fantastic script; but too British for America and too expensive for Britain.

The other two … nothing. No one has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in them. One of them is a very personal story which doesn’t quite work. The other is a rom-com: a great concept which isn’t quite realised properly.

A while back I came to the conclusion these scripts just weren’t good enough; but I continued to send them out on the grounds someone might be stupid enough to make them. I mean, people like all kinds of shit so why not these three? Maybe they’re not as bad as I think they are?

Or maybe they are exactly as bad as I know they are.

Today though, I have decided: no more. I am officially retiring the last of these three spec scripts. No more will I send them out in the vain hope of finding a home for them. These three club-footed children of mine are finished. It’s over. Nobody loves you kids so get in the sack, hold onto these bricks and it’s a dizzying plunge into the icy waters of oblivion for you.

Bye now. See ya. Bye, bye.

I’m not deleting them, of course - just in case; but I’m no longer actively sending them out or letting people read them. If someone happens to ask me specifically for something which is identical to one of the scripts then maybe I’ll fish them out of the river - but barring that unlikely scenario, they’re gone.

With that in mind I’ve also removed all of the sample scripts from my website. All of the sitcoms and TV series and short films - all gone. None of them are representative of my writing now, they all show what I could do three or four years ago.

I’d like to think I’ve improved a little since then.

My watch word from now on is quality, not quantity. I’ve build up a nice CV and it’s now time to focus on newer and better material.

So there.

As an aside, I’ve just had an email this morning telling me one of the three under option, FLEECED, starts shooting in 18 days. That’ll be my third feature produced this year and we’re only half way through. With a baby arriving this month, another blackbelt grading this weekend and The Wrong Door hitting BBC 3 in the Autumn … I’m really liking 2008 so far.

Bits and bobs

Just a few random updates, nothing exciting.

Well, depends on who you are, I suppose. In fact, some of them, if not all are very exciting to me.

I’ll start again.

Hey wow! Guess what’s going on in my life! It’s all groovy and neato.

I think ‘K‘ might have finished shooting. I’m not sure, but there are some crew photos flying around and I’m fairly certain it was due to finish the weekend just gone.

This isn’t really news, is it? It’s just a bit of pointless conjecture.

And talking of pointless conjecture, I think ‘The Wrong Door’ (the BBC3 sketch show) might have finished shooting too. This is an even more spurious piece of guesswork, since I have absolutely no idea when it was shooting or how long for.

I did have a text from one of the CGI guys telling me he’d seen some of my stuff which I think might have been in the last batch. Obviously they were saving the best for last.

Either that or they were hoping they’d have enough material from everyone else and wouldn’t need to use my pitiful efforts.

Either way, I think it’s done now.

Maybe.

Something I am more sure about - the first draft of ‘ Mixed Up ‘ went down well. I’ve got a couple of pages of notes to action, but they don’t amount to much more than a few superficial changes - there’s nothing major which needs changing and shouldn’t take long to do.

I think.

Although that may just be my eternally optimistic memory playing me up again.

I should double-check that.

After that’s done, the way is surprisingly clear. There’s nothing immediately pressing which needs doing. There are another couple of films slated to shoot this year; but until people get back to me with notes, there’s nothing I can do. Which means, apart from tweaking ‘Mixed Up’ as it heads for production, I’ve got some free time.

Free writing!

I can write whatever I want!

Cool.

The plan is to focus more on TV stuff, since I have a fair few films in pre-production/development (12-ish) and any one of them could explode into something amazing or disappear up their collective arses at any moment.

I think I’ve done as much as I can there for the time being, and although I will work on anything interesting which comes my way, TV would seem to be a better bet for a more financially stable future.

With that in mind, I’m going to start by writing down the list of potential ideas which have been swimming aimlessly round my skull for years now, put them in order of attractiveness and write some sort of pitch document for each one.

In theory, I should end up with a dozen or so of these outlines which I can maybe use to generate some interest.

In theory.

Who wants to lay odds on me starting another low-budget film next week?

A marginally better photo

Exactly what it says, really:

Apparently, the woman is MyAnna Buring.

I’ve no idea who she is, but to be fair, she probably has no idea who I am either.

The Wrong Door

A few days back, apparently whilst my head was firmly up my arse, BBC Three announced their Winter/Spring 2008 season.

Two things immediately strike me about the line up.

1. I obviously don’t watch BBC Three very much. There seem to be a lot of comedy shows returning for new seasons, shows I’ve barely heard of let alone seen.
2. They’ve announced the sketch show I’ve been working on.

Which I’m quite excited about.

Apparently it’s now called ‘The Wrong Door’.

Which is it was called originally, before it became ‘Untitled CGI Sketch Show’. It seems it’s gone back to its original name.

The BBC Press Office has this to say about it:

“The Wrong Door

This is a daring new sketch show set in a parallel universe; a fantastic world governed by the laws of comedy – not nature – and where special effects seen in the movies and on TV are part of everyday life.

In this parallel universe, herds of space hoppers and shopping trolleys roam the countryside; robots play tennis; mini-bars come with a helpful mini-barman; magazines come with a free, blow-up boyfriend; and mp3 players generate 3-D popstar holograms and monsters under the bed.

In this world, viewers can meet the Booze Fairies, the Wizard of Oswestry, the World’s Most Annoying Creature and a love-struck dinosaur called Phillip. Here, superheroes, wizards, dinosaurs and monsters casually go about their business amongst the daily irritations of explosions, disasters, battles, chases and driving lessons.

With its genre-busting mix of celebrity cameos, unimaginable locations and impossible visual effects, The Wrong Door heralds a brave new world of comic possibility.“

Oooh!

I still don’t really know how many, if any, of my sketches have made it into the final edit; but at least two items on the above list seem to refer to my work.

A careful scrutiny of the list might lead you to an obvious conclusion; but you’d be wrong - the love sick dinosaur was called Phillip before I got involved in the project.

The British Sitcom Guide seem to have found a photo of him from somewhere:

I think Phillip is the one on the right. As you can see, he’s plainly not ginger - although he does have my nose.

If any more information becomes available, such as scheduling dates or cast or anything vaguely interesting, can someone let me know? I always seem to be the last one to find out about this sort of stuff, possibly because I don’t pay enough attention; but more likely because I have a very short attention span and frequently get distracted by shiny objects.