I’m afraid of my emails, absolutely terrified of them.
I know that’s not the best thing for a strapping(ish) young(ish) man to admit, but unfortunately it’s true.
Let me qualify that a bit. I’m not actually afraid of the emails per se; I don’t have nightmares about being chased by giant killer emails… hmm, would that make a good movie?
I’m afraid of not receiving emails and of others, in turn, not receiving mine. Every time I send an email I wonder, did the recipient get it? Should I email them and check? What if they get the second one first and our lives are forever out of synch?
I know you can ask for a read receipt, but that always seems rude. I hate it when I get asked to send one before I’ve read the email; it might contain something I want to pretend I haven’t received. Similarly, I think it’s only fair to allow the recipient of my emails the opportunity to metaphorically hide behind the sofa of cyberspace and pretend they’re not in.
A far bigger fear is that I’m not receiving important emails. You know, ones from financially stupid producers who desperately need to give me loads of cash. The problem with this fear is it’s actually happened and continues to happen with alarming regularity.
Not from the producers with big wallets and small IQ’s, just emails in general.
Take this blog, for example. It’s supposed to email me and tell me when I’ve had a comment, but it doesn’t. Sometimes it does, true; but frequently I find the comments lurking here, waiting to be moderated. It worries me, it really does.
Every now and then I get an email asking why I haven’t replied to something I haven’t received; or I get an email on my old address asking me if I’ve changed my current address; or an email telling me the last three emails they sent me have bounced.
It’s all very scary.
Okay, not as scary as being chased down a blind alley by a gang of chainsaw wielding cannibals, who are hungry, hate ginger people and have just stubbed their collective toes; but in my world it’s a close second. I need my emails to be reliable: I rely on emails for work, I rely on work for money and I rely on money for food.
So where do all those emails go? Is there a Phil Baron (one L, one R) somewhere who’s just been offered a five figure deal to write Indy 4? Is there some large pool of undeliverable emails hanging around in cyberspace and annoying the residents? Will they eventually turn up? Will I receive them in one go in 2027? Will Channel 4 make a program out of reuniting people with their long lost emails?
All of these questions plague my waking life, I hate missing out on stuff. Especially when I don’t know what I’m missing out on. So what I need to know is this:
1) How/why does it happen?
2) Is there anything I can do to stop it?
3) If not, is there a tablet I can take to cure the panic?
Answers on a postcard, please; my emails aren’t safe.