A nice cup of tea

Tea is so important.

I mean this. You’re not a true writer unless you consume your own body mass in tea on a daily basis.

Some writers advocate coffee – they’re wrong.

Some writers, reckless, devil-may-care writers, write on a concoction of drugs and alcohol. Drinking and writing? Lord knows where that can lead.

No, a nice cup of tea (or twelve) and a brace of chocolate biscuits and I’m set for …

I haven’t really got anything to blog about.

You can tell, can’t you?

I’ve spent the day up at POP Productions, my regular corporate gig. I sat and watched two people take four hours to light a bottle of whiskey for a commercial.

Four hours!

Apparently, that’s quite quick for a hero shot. That’s advert terminology for the final shot of the product, or so I’m told.

I have to say, the end result,a bottle of Glenfiddich, slowly revolving against a black background; a golden glow, sparkling in the centre of the honey-gold liquid, was a sight to behold. But, still …

Four hours!

And I think that’s me underestimating it. I’m not counting the lunch break.

On the plus side, I did write a few comedy pieces, including a modern retelling of Cinderella involving leeks, stunt goldfish and a scented hemorrhoid cream. I also wrote up a proposal for two business themed reality shows and looked over some corporate commercial stuff. So it’s not all bad.

Not that watching people scrutinise a bottle isn’t fun.

They even built a little tent around it.

What else? A short film I co-wrote a year (or two?) ago has reared its ugly head again. It’s a good script written with Mick Fowler which has been dogged by production difficulties. Who knows, maybe it will actually move forward this time? Certainly sounds positive.

I actually managed to write a Treason Show sketch (unfortunately, not one suitable for NewsRevue, hence only one lot of money). Not only that, but it actually got performed and by all accounts (one account, from Mark Brailsford, the director) went down extremely well.

That means 100% of the material I wrote got performed. You can make any fact sound good with statistics, can’t you?

And the rest of my time is just fiddling with various projects for various people. Nothing really meaty.

Hence the spiel about tea. Now, I used to be a PG Tips kind of guy; but recently I’ve switched to …

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Categories: Sad Bastard | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “A nice cup of tea

  1. If you say Tetley, I shall have to hurt you.

  2. Hi Phil, thanks for popping by… btw, I do have my name in my About Me profile, you may have missed it on first run-through

  3. Gordon Robertson

    Well, I guess I can’t be a real writer then. I drink … nothing. That’s right. Nothing. And as for eating? Nothing again. Unless I’m genuinely hungry. But if I’ve already been fed and watered, I don’t really want any distractions. Of course, being a writer you make your own distractions anyway, but mine’s don’t usually involve food and drink. Unless, as I said, I’m actually hungry stroke thirsty in the first place.

    Pornography, of course, is something else entirely.

  4. Sadly, my one and only Treason offering for this month got cut in rehearsals. Must do better next time. Congrats on getting your one in, Phill — was it by any chance the naked gag?

  5. Piers – sorry. It’s worse than you think, Tetley Decaf.

    Todd – sorry again. I saw the Todd bit, but somehow missed the Gordon.

    Gordon – no apologies here, I always knew there was something not right about you. The no tea thing, I mean. Not the porn, that’s perfectly normal.

    Christine – that’s always a bitch, when there’s stuff in the running order right until the last minute. Yes, mine was a naked gag – yours wasn’t, was it? Did I usurp you?

  6. Tetley Decaf? Have you gone completely insane?

    Have no fear, mine was not the naked gag. And it went pretty early on in the rehearsal process, when they whittled down from 3 times the amount of material they could perform, to maybe 1.25 times. Next month I shall maximise my chances by putting in more than one thing. Well, unless I don’t.

  7. It is indeed worse than I thought. You’re evil and must be destroyed.

    Nothing personal, but your kind can’t be allowed to roam the world unchecked.

    I’ll be back later leading a mob of villagers with pitchforks.

    And flaming torches. Mustn’t forget the flaming torches.

  8. My battle against decaf tea has been long and arduous. What can I say?

    I lost.

    Whereas decaf PG Tips tastes like shit, decaf Tetley tastes exactly the same as proper pyramid bags.

    At least to me, but I have broken my nose nine times.

    Christine: how did you know I did the naked gag?

  9. I guessed at the naked gag because you said your sketch wasn’t appropriate for NewsRevue. That pretty much narrows it down to the naked gag or TreasonSpielenSchau, and I get the impression TreasonSpielenSchau is generally written by the performers.

    How on Earth did you break your nose nine times? Martial arts? (In which case you obviously do a much more dangerous martial art than I do. Shotokan karate is pretty tame really.)

  10. And here I was harbouring fantasies you’d seen the show and my writing style was so distinctive you could just tell.

    Nose:

    Fights at school x2
    Car Crash x1
    Kung Fu x2
    Bouncy Castle x1
    Running for a bus aged two x1
    Night Club (mosh) x1
    Head butted in pizza restaurant x1

    The Kung Fu ones were my fault. It’s not dangerous, I’m just stupid. All of the injuries I’ve had training have been down to having more enthusiasm than talent.

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