I thought I’d spare some time to translate phrases from that marvellous language ‘producer speak’ for your delight and education.
A producer* accidentally copied me into a whole conversation between himself and the rest of the creative team, allowing me this fascinating insight into the workings of the minds behind the movie industry.
This isn’t a definitive guide, but just some of the choicer comments I’ve been able to translate:
Producer: I love the script.
Translation: I haven’t read it.
The director loves it.
He hasn’t read it either.
There are a few problems …
Even though I haven’t read it, I know it’s shit.
But we can sort them out easily enough.
I’m just structuring the financing as we speak.
I haven’t got the money.
It’s a difficult project to pitch.
I don’t think I can get the money.
I’ve arranged a meeting with the film council next week.
I haven’t got a hope in hell of getting the money.
I wonder, could you create a part for xxxxx?
I’m trying to sleep with xxxxx.
Maybe the female protagonist should be younger?
I’ve already slept with xxxxx, and now I’m interested in her daughter.
I’d rather keep this project under wraps for now.
I haven’t managed to sleep with xxxxx yet, and she thinks I’m working on her vanity project.
You should meet xxxxx, you’d like her.
She still won’t give it up, but maybe if I introduce her to a writer she’ll think I’m actually interested in making that terrible idea of hers.
The director’s being difficult.
I’ve slept with his wife and he’s found out.
Don’t mention xxxxx to the director.
We’re both sleeping with xxxxx, but he doesn’t know it.
I’m going to have to cancel that meeting.
xxxxx’s husband is away that day.
I’m concerned about the theme of the movie, does the protagonist’s inner goal compliment his outer desire?
I’m reading this from a book and have no idea what it means.
And that’s about it really. I’ll update this invaluable resource as and when I manage to translate more.
* It wasn’t you, you’re my favourite producer and never ever speak like this. It was some other producer from some other project. Honest.
It is you.