The Wrong Door – Aftermath

It’s been a few days since The Wrong Door opened, so what was the reaction?

Well, pretty good really. There’s an article in Broadcast here about the ratings. The basic gist is the show got the highest ever ratings for a new comedy on BBC Three. The pertinent sentences are:

“BBC3’s new comedy sketch show ‘The Wrong Door’ attracted 546,000 (3.5%) at 10.30pm last night, the highest ever audience for the launch of a comedy on the channel.”

and, perhaps more importantly:

“The half hour programme peaked in the final 15 minutes on 564,000 (3.8%). The first episode of the six-part series was just behind the channel’s slot average of 558,000 (4.1%).”

To me, the fact it got high ratings for the first episode reflects the level of advertising beforehand, rather than an indication of how much people liked the show. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to get those kind of ratings; but if the audience comes back this week I’ll be much more impressed.

The fact the ratings went up as the show continued excites me more – I think that means people not only stuck with the show throughout but more people tuned in. Mind you, I have no idea how it all works and it could be we lost all of the original viewers and then inherited a totally new set in the last few minutes because something popular finished on another channel and there was nothing else on.

Who knows? Okay, so half a million viewers is not a significant proportion of the country; but it is when you consider how many people actually know BBC Three exists, can receive it and have the inclination to watch it. I’m sure someone will be along to correct my tenuous grasp of ratings and audience share; but it looks good to me.

The show got some very good reviews. True, there were a couple of bad ones; but the good far outweighed the bad – with the average review giving it 4 out of 5 stars. I only saw two bad reviews as opposed to a dozen or so positive ones so I’ll take that as a generally good sign.

Of particular interest to me was when Mandy took Alice to baby yoga the next day, the yoga teacher started telling her about this great sketch show she’d seen the night before. Being a proud wife, Mandy pointed out I’d written one of the sketches and after the usual blank look (seriously, people don’t seem to realise TV shows are written by someone. There’s always a pause while people try to work out what the hell you’re talking about: “do you write the words or just the story?”) she asked which one I’d written. Mandy told her and apparently there was another pause, followed by a quiet “Yeah, that one was … okay.”

If you were to trawl the Internet for opinions, you’ll find quite a lot of negative comments; but that’s to be expected and mostly comes from frustrated writers who believe they can shit better sketches in their sleep than anything anyone else writes. Strangely, their prodigious talents go unrecognised by the powers that be because, obviously, there’s a massive conspiracy designed to keep them down. Presumably because they shit themselves whilst sleeping.

There’s a simple rule here: sane people change the channel if they don’t like something. Anyone who watches a show to the end and then makes the effort to write a scathing review online has far too much spare time, presumably down to not having enough friends. Let’s be honest, if anyone listened to them in real life they wouldn’t need to express their opinions via the Internet.

Um … obviously, this blog is different and provides a vital service which would severely damage the world should I ever stop. Everyone else though is mental.

A brand of insanity I find particularly amusing is the people who’ve gone to the effort of finding this blog and slagging off The Wrong Door in the comments*. I mean, what were they hoping to achieve? Bearing in mind I only wrote a tiny portion of the show and have nothing to do with commissioning, filming or casting, what response are they looking for? Do they think I’m going to realise the error of my ways and break down in tears?

I was toying with editing some of the negative posts so they’re much more positive, you know, something like:

“Dear Phill,

I realise now I was totally incorrect when I was rude about The Wrong Door. The truth is I love the show and am extremely jealous. Sadly, I was born with a small cock and feel the need to bring others down in a pathetic attempt to make myself feel even slightly superior. I apologise whole heartedly and unreservedly.

Yours

Arthur Medleycott

PS I love you, please adopt me”

But in the end I decided I quite like the fruit loops raving about the show on my blog. Their constant checking for responses drives up my blog stats and the repeated mentions of The Wrong Door list this blog higher in Google’s search results which only generates more publicity for me. So I say, keep it up, you mental weirdos and God bless you. I get paid the same whether a handful of random loons like it or not. In fact, given these people will probably watch every episode in seething resentment, just so they can bitch about it with authority the next day, I should probably thank them – they’ll drive up the ratings and guarantee a second series.

The bottom line is nothing is universally loved or hated; people like different things and have different senses of humour. I don’t like every sketch in The Wrong Door – but then I don’t like every Monty Python sketch and still love that show. Funny is a subjective term, it’s not a fact or a definitive property. You can’t measure funny on any scale and just because you don’t find something funny doesn’t mean it’s shit – it just means you don’t like it. I didn’t find the Royale Family funny; but that doesn’t make it shit, because I know it was exceptionally well thought of by thousands of people. I may be a raving ego-maniac; but even I know my opinions don’t define the world.

I love the majority of Wrong Door sketches and I’m proud to be part of it. It makes me laugh and that’s good enough. The fact it had good ratings and reviews is just the icing on the cake.

I think the reviews in The Times sum it up for me. On Thursday, the four star review mentioned:

“… the hilarious X FACTOR rip-off, Superhero Tryouts.”

Which is the sketch I wrote.

The next day, the same paper gave another four star review and singled out the same sketch as an example of a ‘miss’, saying it was:

“… laboured and directionless.”

Which just goes to prove you can’t please all of The Times all of the time. I can’t wait to find out what people think of the next episode.

————————————————————————

* I’ll exclude Dave from this category on the grounds he made a genuinely funny comment about bourbon biscuits and Hitchcock.

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Categories: BBC, BBC Sketch Show, The Wrong Door | 27 Comments

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27 thoughts on “The Wrong Door – Aftermath

  1. C. Whitmore

    Congratulations Phil – great reviews and awesome ratings! Now make it come to Germany. All we get here are horrible, horrible German (!) reshoots (!) of Men Behaving Badly, IT Crowd and Trigger Happy TV. German Chewin’ the Fat was just announced.

    Please, save us. I’ll give you cookies.

  2. “Um … obviously, this blog is different and provides a vital service which would severely damage the world should I ever stop. Everyone ese though is mental.”

    You do provide a vital service! And, um, thanks, I think.

  3. I agree that a lot of wannabe writers are probably venting their frustrations but I think all writers will be over-critical of comedy as by their nature they would have seen far too much comedy and will be destructing every sketch too. They are definitely NOT the target audience for any show.

  4. People mistaking their own opinions for facts is becoming a real bugbear of mine. Especially in comedy – it’s the act of an arse to claim that something is objectively unfunny.

    And frustrated writers need to realise that banging their rattles on a door (Wrong, or otherwise) is not the way to make it open.

  5. C. Whitmore: (Charles, by any chance?) You can always use a proxy server to watch stuff on the BBC iPlayer. There’s quite a lot of info on the web.

    Eleanor: You’re welcome. And possibly deluded – but in a nice way which benefits me.

    CNUT: True, and I think it’s fine for people to deconstruct stuff on writing forums and such like; but why do it here? And why be nasty about it?

    Arnopp: ironically, after all that rattle banging, Ben Wheatley offered to read some of their material and they still slagged him off. Absolutely looney tunes.

  6. Oh, I agree totally Phill. I have no idea why people come here to have a pop, it’s like they hold you completely responsible for not writing their specific taste in humour. Like you’ve offended them on purpose. No comedy has ever made everyone like it.

    It’s like music, we all have different tastes. Do the Killers get hate mail for not having enough gangster rap in their tunes? Probably.

    Even the forums aren’t a good guide as there are a lot of writers there that go into watching the shows wanting it to be shit and it clouds their opinion.

    Your only responsibility is to write material you like and material that meets the brief of the show so it can get good ratings. So in this case: job done, and A LOT of us actually liked it too!

  7. Excellent. If you’re happy, I’m happy.

  8. daveselectricblanket

    Cheers for forgiving my wankerish behaviour!

  9. Ah, how could I stay mad at you?

  10. Group hug!

  11. C. Whitmore

    Thanks Phil for the info about proxxy servers, I’ll check that out. And yes, indeed it’s Charles!

  12. Andrew

    No Phil. Accept it, the show is just poor in general and lacks the class and sophistication to take it to another series. I think it was just another experimental facade. Have you deleted all the nay-sayers and just left the favourable comments here?

  13. Nope, I’m reasonably in favour of free speech – no one’s left any bitchy comments lately. Hopefully, the people who don’t like the show have just stopped watching it and done something more useful with their time.

    Feel free to leave torrents of bile filled comments under assumed names if it makes you feel better. Or you can go to http://www.zetaminor.com where there are a handful of like-minded people complaining about the show.

  14. filip

    As a viewer and not a frustrated/overlooked/failed writer, The Wrong Door is another example of what’s wrong with comedy on TV at the moment. No real energy, ideas, passion or thought has gone into the show. It’s just a bunch of leftover Doctor Who effects tied together with annoying whimsy which seems par for the course on BBC3.

  15. Mike Benge

    Having watched two episodes of this programme I can honestly say that it made made me laugh, twice. I cannot fathom how such humourless rubbish got on television. Outdated surrealism is not new or fresh and has been done a million times better by shows such as Big Train, and simply adding CGI cannot turn unfunny ideas into funny ones.

    In a world with such comedic genious in it as The Office and, more recently, Summer Heights High, this type of facile, uninspired rubbish has no place. I am not an embittered writer, so perhaps discerning viewers can also hate this tripe. I’m normally a very moderate guy, but the strength of my feelings for this programme seems to have turned me into a ranting loony. Apologies.

  16. Hi Mike,

    as a reasonable representative of the irate viewers, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? This isn’t an attempt to ridicule you or change your mind or even defend the programme – I’m just genuinely interested about how a TV programme can inspire enough hatred in someone to make them want to rant about it on the Internet.

    What is it about this particular programme which makes you so upset? I gather you don’t find it funny, which is fair enough; but do you really find it so upsetting you can’t just dismiss it as something you don’t like? Has any other programme driven you to this kind of rage? Does any other form of artistic expression inspire hatred? (and forgive me for using those words, I don’t think of The Wrong Door as art but I don’t know how else to lump it in with other forms) Have you ever looked at a picture in an art gallery and felt the need to track down the painter and tell him how shit it is? I know modern art can inspire this sort of rage, but does anything else? I find some cars beautiful and some hideously ugly; but I don’t really feel the need to shout at the people who designed them.

    Is it just comedy which merits such agression or do you feel the same about other programmes? I have this vague idea that maybe when people don’t find comedy funny they think it’s a personal attack on their sense of humour – no one likes to think their sense of humour is at fault and I think accusing someone of not having a sense of humour is a pretty big insult in the UK. (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your sense of humour, by the way. Not liking a TV show doesn’t make you a flawed person in my book) Is it because it’s on the BBC and you feel like it’s your money which is being wasted? Or do ITV programmes earn equal amount of scorn?

    Again, hopefully you won’t take this as an attack, just a general interest.

    See, this out-pouring of rage has taken me a bit by surprise. I expected some people would like the show and others wouldn’t. It didn’t really occur to me it would affect people so much they’d be incandescent with rage; probably because I’ve never been that upset by any form of fiction. I think the odd news report has driven me into shouty rants; and the Daily Mail has me yelling at random strangers if I ever happen to catch a glimpse of the title page – but comedy? I just tend to think it’s rubbish and turn it off.

    Which leads me to the second thing I find baffling – if it upsets you so much, why did you watch the second episode? I tend to give new comedy shows about ten minutes before deciding it’s not for me. In a way I think perhaps I should give things a second chance and watch a different episode; but when I see how much it’s upset people like yourself, I think perhaps not.

    So hopefully this won’t offend and I look forward with keen interest to any replies from yourself or others. If people could try and keep it objective I’d prefer it; but I don’t really mind if you want to call me names.

  17. Matt

    I think there is a general feeling of disappointment with much of television amongst broader audiences at the moment but especially with Comedy.

    There is a perception that many channels are trying everything they can to court the elusive “16 to 34” year old demographic but doing it with gimmicks rather than genuinely great ideas.

    Creating a sketch show around special effects really is just a gimmick.

    I’m honestly not one of those people who sits down to a programme with a view to hate it, and I’m one of the few who has genuinely enjoyed some of BBC3’s recent output. At least they’re trying to do something different.

    This is why I gave The Wrong Door a couple of chances. I hoped it would get better.

    However The Wrong Door does feel like a very cynical excercise in genre splicing rather than a concept that has been perfected and honed with real passion which is a fault with the shows originators primarily.

    The fact that each sketch by nature of the format has to centre around a special effect rather than the humour basically creates an awkward platform for the writers and by and large renders the whole show unfunny.

    If for example you look at Modern Toss. I guess the high-concept would be “Cartoon Characters in the real world.” However it’s so much more than that because it has a defined tone of voice and takes genuine risks.

    When it comes to attitudes to comedy it is a genre that does tend to provoke passionate response because it talks to people in a very personal way. I am a massive fan of “Spaced” and was irate when I heard that it was potentially going to be remade for the US audience by a director who I despise for his own cynical appropriation of what he deems “cool”.

    When Spaced came out I was in a very similar situation to the central characters and had very similar interests. It resonated with me because of this but also surprised and delighted me through the obvious passion with which it was approached by Pegg, Stevenson and Wright.

    A phenomenon of this kind draws groups together, you can judge the people you meet as potential kindred spirits by the kind of music they like and the comedy they enjoy.

    This connection is so strong that when it appears to be exploited cynically (as I believe is the case with the wrong door) rather than crafted it provokes anger. People are disappointed at the missed opportunity (how many brilliant new possibilities were passed over for this because they didn’t meet the right “demographic”?) and angered that the TV execs feel that their audience can be so willfully manipulated in this way?

    The Wrong Door is not a good show. The writing is hampered by the over-baring concept (however Phil yours was the one sketch that did raise a laugh, even if it did steal from Mystery Men you bad lad) and the effects are not good enough to make up for that. Simply filling it with comedy character actors from other cult shows does not manufacture some kind of “cool by proxy”.

    I really don’t mean to piss on your chips Phil, and I’m sure you are a great comedy writer. I genuinely hope you find a platform that will allow you to show a bloody massive audience how good you are.

  18. No perception of chip pissing received and I’m by no means sure I am a great comedy writer. I like the Wrong Door (mainly because most of the sketches aren’t mine and I can laugh without being overly critical of my own work) but I can understand why others don’t like it. There is something odd and off-beat about the timing and the content of the sketches. I found it a little off-putting at first; but I’ve since decided I like that strangeness.

    I find the hatred odd because while I’ve had the positive ‘falling in love’ with a show, I’ve never really had the opposite. I just tend to not watch stuff I don’t like. Maybe that means I’m not as passionate about comedy as some of you, I don’t know. I do feel the anger directed at me for being excited about getting sketches broadcast is a little weird. As a writer I’ve struggled for ages to get my material read by people in a position to make programmes. I was recommended by a friend, asked to submit some sketches, the Superhero Tryouts idea was picked (1 of 12 ideas submitted) and I was asked to deliver more. Which I did. When you’re submitting sketches to any show you’re trying to mesh with the programme makers’ sense of humour. From my point of view, getting a sketch accepted is a big achievement – getting a weekly slot within the show is fantastic. Then people turn up and tell me I’m shit – which is lovely.

    I’ve no idea how true the demographic chasing is. It seems true, certainly of BBC 3 but perhaps less so on the other channels and I don’t know if it upsets me that one channel of four is aimed at younger viewers. It’s not something I really think about that much, in the same way I don’t mind that CBBC is aimed at pre-teens and tweens. This acceptance though might be fuelled by the movie industry where everyone wants to know who your script is aimed at. As an aside, I’ve often thought this is where the British film industry falls down since it seems biased towards funding films aimed at people in their fifties – people who don’t go to the cinema.

    My experience in TV is very limited, being as I’ve only been invited to submit sketches to one show and have only a passing acquaintance with the producer and the director; but in this one instance I don’t think they were trying to cater to any particular age group and I don’t remember BBC 3 being mentioned at all when I first got involved. Of course, it’s perfectly possible I just wasn’t paying attention since I may have fallen asleep during the first meeting.

    The impression I got though was these guys just wanted to make a show which they found funny and someone higher up told them it would be going out on BBC 3. It didn’t feel like a cynical marketing exercise or an attempt to please a particular age group – just a genuine attempt to make something they could be proud of – and they are, they believe they’ve achieved what they set out to do.

    You are right though, the concept did come first; but again, I’m not convinced I see that as an issue. The brief was pretty wide ranging and personally I found it allowed me free reign to write about whatever the hell I felt like. I think I would have felt much more constricted by something like Man Stroke Woman where every sketch has to be about relationship issues or Smack the Pony where every sketch has to be about women being stupid or childish (that sounds negative, it’s not meant to be – I’m sure that’s what I remember them saying). As it turns out, a lot of the sketches strayed from the brief and there do seem to be a fair amount with no CGI in at all – including most of mine. Among the accusations levelled at The Wrong Door (and BBC 3 in general) are being afraid to take risks and being an experiment – two things which seem to me to be mutually exclusive. Isn’t all experimentation a risk? I know the BBC in general is looking for traditional sitcoms at the moment, but I like the fact it has a channel which can try different things and encourage new writers.

    Naturally, not everyone agrees about the quality of the show and I’m not making any attempt to try and persuade you (or anyone else) your opinion is wrong – because it isn’t, it’s your opinion.

    Could something better have been commissioned in its place? Probably, but (and maybe I’m being naive here) I’d like to think quality will out and anything inherently good enough will eventually find its niche.

    Mind you, I think that because if I ever succeed in writing something I’m really pleased with – I hope someone, somewhere will give it a chance.

  19. Chris Truby

    Well so far the Wrong Door is at the top of my list of must see telly. Thoroughly enjoying it so far, including the Superhero Tryouts! Its refreshing comedy, different, a little strange but definately all the better for it.

  20. Jack Anderton

    You said:

    Anyone who watches a show to the end and then makes the effort to write a scathing review online has far too much spare time, presumably down to not having enough friends. Let’s be honest, if anyone listened to them in real life they wouldn’t need to express their opinions via the Internet.
    ——

    Yet the blog and your responses to criticism just suggest that it actually matters quite a lot. Let’s face it, this blog is intended to promote your own works and most people choose this medium to do so because it is cheap and reaches a wide audience. To therefore dismiss the people you’re supposedly courting solely because they happen to find your work a shovel of pitiless drivel is really quite twattish in my opinion. Maybe you should return to the sketchpad and stop wasting your time engaging with us if- like you say- we don’t matter to you at all.

    I personally find your engagement with critics a sign that the criticism warrants some thought and response. So if you do genuinely deride the critics opinions- practise what you preach and get on with your job. The only reasonable alternative is to grow a thick skin and be prepared to argue the case, because currently your argument that subjective topics aren’t worth discussing is in my opinion the anathema of culture. But in your world that won’t affect anything of course.

    Farewell,

    Jack.

  21. Ah, there’s your first mistake – paying attention to anything I say, always a bad idea. I think it’s fairly well established I’m full of shit and aren’t worth listening to. However:

    Anyone who watches a show to the end and then makes the effort to write a scathing review online has far too much spare time,

    I still stand by that. Although:

    presumably down to not having enough friends. Let’s be honest, if anyone listened to them in real life they wouldn’t need to express their opinions via the Internet.

    Is a rather childish repsonse on my behalf. A repsonse, I might add, not to people wanting to discuss the relative merits (or lack of it) of my work online; but to people coming to this blog and telling me the show is shit.

    Not “I didn’t find it funny”. Not “In my opinion the jokes didn’t work because …”; but “The show is shit.” Which may very well be their perfectly valid opinion, but it’s not a fact. Do you not think there’s a degree of arrogance and madness involved when people genuinely believe their opinions are true and not merely their point of view? Do you not think it’s even weirder that people are so convinced their opinions are correct they actually come here to tell me how shit the show is and how foolish I am to get involved?

    I’ll raise that a step further. A couple of people actually went to the trouble of finding my email address and emailing some abuse. Not critiques, not opinions; but abuse. Come on, that’s strange behaviour. I’m one of many writers who submitted additional material to one show on one channel – there are a lot more useful ways to spend your time. One guy even wrote to me, asking for some advice (which in itself I find odd and difficlt to believe anyone would want from me) and when I took the time to explain what little advice I felt I could give, this loon emailed me back to tell me he was actually taking the piss out of me and hated me. That’s a special dedication to hating TV I just can’t quite get my head around.

    Although if you’re not me it’s probably quite funny.

    I did think I’d addressed the irony of me using an Internet to complain about people using the Internet to complain about me in the sentence directly after your quote:

    Um … obviously, this blog is different and provides a vital service which would severely damage the world should I ever stop. Everyone else though is mental.

    But either people were so incensed by the previous sentence they stopped reading or it wasn’t clear enough. In either case, I apologise. I thoght long and hard about starting a blog because I thought there was something very strange about publishing your opinions as if they actually mattered. In the end I decided it might be a valuable publicity tool and I’m glad I did, since this blog has directly led to me making some new friends in the world outside the Internet whose opinions I trust and whose friendship I treasure.

    As to whether criticism means anything to me or not. Constructive criticism does and I’m perfectly happy to engage in debate with anyone who presents their opinions to me as opinions or questions. Having said that, I’m not really interested in a ‘it’s not funny’ ‘Yes it is.’ kind of argument because it’s pointless. I genuinely do believe funny is subjective. Do you disagree? Do you think if you don’t find something funny then no one else in the world will? I’m sure you don’t.

    I’m pretty certain there’s no way I could change the mind of anyone who thinks a show isn’t funny. How can I? An explained joke doesn’t make it any funnier. And since the majority of critics are saying ‘This is shit.’ or ‘You are shit’ as opposed to ‘I didn’t understand …’ or ‘Can you explain …’ then what’s the point of engaging them in discussion?

    Mind you, ridiculing them is childish and pointless too; and I probably shouldn’t have done it; but I was a bit bewildered by the self-righteousness of people’s hatred and pointless abuse. What can I say, I’m human and as much of a twat as anyone else. Probably more so.

    Are subjective topics worth discussing, yes I think so; and I think sometimes it might be possible to suddenly see something in a piece of literature or a painting which you didn’t see before. Something which makes you see it in a new light. Perhaps this is possible with comedy, if it has some deeper meaning which isn’t immediately obvious; but The Wrong Door isn’t this type of comedy. It’s childish and it’s purile and it makes me laugh – that’s about it. Maybe someone might not get the Njarnia sketches because they’ve never read CS Lewis or been to IKEA – but I think it’s more likely they get the references and just don’t find it funny. I wouldn’t know how to begin changing someone’s mind on that point and don’t think it’s worth it. Plus, any opinion I have on the show is tainted by self-interest and can’t possibly be considered valid by anyone. Let’s face it, with the director and (possibly) the producer occasionally reading this blog I’d be stupid to slag the show off.

    I guess I’ll keep responding to posts here because I find it rude not to when people have taken the time and effort to write to me. Some of the comments I’m not sure why people have taken the time and effort, nor what response they think I should give, but there you go. Different things are important to different people and apparently telling me how awful the show is (not an opinion mind you, a fact!) is obviously very, very important to some people.

  22. daveselectricblanket

    Sorry, this has just popped up in my comments section and I want to stick my unwanted oar in (I have no friends and I’m an embarrassment to my family).

    Anyone that comments on this blog to spout how much they hate the show is a twat. Simple. But you can’t have a go at people for having an opinion on their own blog regarding telly – especially when it’s a BBC show. That’s why blogs are brilliant things.

  23. No, of course not. Especially when it’s funny like yours is (I keep meaning to link to it) and I don’t really think there’s a problem with people slagging off TV or films on forums or sites designed for the cause. I know I’ve done it – mostly for films though. There’s something about paying to watch a film which makes it especially galling when it’s crap; but then, I was (and sort of still am) a bitter and frustrated writer. I never really thought I could do better, but for that much money I too could produce something as unbelievably shit.

    Of course, now I am producing stuff other people think is unbelievably shit I’ve realised the truth – it’s someone else’s fault. Never, ever the writer’s.

    But hey, come on, as brilliant and fun as blogs and forums are – they are a colossal waste of time; but then this is the modern malaise, isn’t it? We’ve all got far too much spare time.

  24. daveselectricblanket

    A waste of time? Don’t make me get all existential. Actually, don’t worry. there’s no danger of that happening. It’d be pointless.

  25. S Perlman (J)

    Dear Phill Barron

    Great to see the 200% leap in spunk face shots in just three episodes. If I may be so bold, what, in your professional comedy writing opinion, is the optimum number of cum mush pay-offs in any one half hourish comedy show? Indeed, is there a limit at all? Or, treading carefully I venture to ask, is the only limit our own imaginations?!?!
    Bearing that in mind, to what extent does uber clown Jack Chesire have to plug his own limitless hilarity fonts in order to create work the rest of us non-professional comedy writing mortals can hope to comprehend? I can personally ‘get’ a couple of facials per episode, but I’m not sure if I’d understand, say, twenty, and I’ll bet Jack (Jack off more like!!! Only kidding, don’t hang up!!!) can, well, who knows? I might as well hang around Cern for four decades only to say ‘I told you so’.
    But what I can do is offer – you guessed it, yup, trying to get my foot in the door (not just my foot!!!!!!) – to personally deposit my own man juice on the chin, cheeks and snout of grin guru Chesire himself. Though naturally, I’d always go through you first.

    Yours in eternal hope

    S Perlman (J) aged 19, really.

  26. Dear S Perlman (J),

    thanks for watching The Wrong Door so avidly. As a 19 year old you’re almost exactly dead centre of the target age group we all had to write for when submitting sketches. Luckily for you, this means I can answer your questions exactly to several decimal places. Consulting my BBC 3 guidebook (which is the result of several focus groups and ratified by the committee) I can tell you Britain’s average 19 year old wants to see 1.739 cumshots per half hour of scripted comedy – assuming they’re not taking drugs or stabbing people.

    I know, I know, The Wrong Door delivered two in a half hour, but we like to think we’re pushing the boundries of comedy with this kind of ground-breaking, ‘to hell with the focus groups’ attitude.

    I have to be honest, I can’t remember the second spoof shot. I guess I wasn’t paying quite as much attention to you. I may even have turned over by then to watch something else. However, thank you. It’s diligent viewers like yourself who will help push up our ratings and guarantee a second series.

    God bless you and keep watching.

    Yours with gratitude

    Phill Barron

  27. Pingback: The Wrong Door on DVD « The Jobbing Scriptwriter

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