Don’t use them, ever. Under no circumstances are you to direct the camera. In fact, if you so much as mention the word ‘camera’ anywhere in your script I’ll fucking kill you, then I’ll come round your house, rape your goldfish and shit on your carpet.”

Or so the rules tell us.

Fair enough, but I’m all about the challenge these days.

I’ve finally finished the last of the ‘Four Feature Films by Easter Challenge’ and what can I say?

I failed.


Only by a little bit, mind you. Only by two days or so. Come on, that’s not bad. I’ve even managed two drafts of two of them – give me a little bit of credit. Please?


Fine, fuck you.

Number three in the Easter Challenge was interesting and had a very peculiar set of rules:

1) No action lines. At all. You can have a few lines which set the scene, but not one single line of action after that – the entire script has to be pure dialogue.

2) Because of rule 1, the characters can’t move. You can choose where to seat them, but once they’re sitting down they can’t leave that seat for the entire 90 pages.

3) None of the characters can be in the same room and they aren’t allowed to talk to each other via any medium.

Hmm … tricky.

Oh yeah, and it has to be written in a few days because it’s being filmed in two weeksthree weeks … next month.

Actually, it was surprisingly easy and seemed to go down very well.

Number four was another doozy, and here’s where I had to break the camera angles rule. Number four has no movie camera – no audience point of view watching the characters, so no fourth wall. You can only see what the characters record using camcorders, security cameras and mobile phones.

Not iPhones, obviously; but, you know, proper phones.

Every scene therefore, has to have a camera mentioned in it somewhere. What type is it? Who’s holding it? What can they see? What can’t they see? It added another level of complexity to a script which was already proving difficult and goes part of the way to explaining why I didn’t quite make the Easter deadline.

And it felt weird. Me, describing the camera? Gosh. What awesome power.

But now it’s done, fired off and awaiting a verdict. I can breathe relatively easy for a while.

So what else is going on? How are you? How was the scribomeet on Tuesday?

I might even read some of my emails now.

Hmm … apparently I’ve got a sitcom pilot I co-wrote shooting on May 1st. That’s nice. Great cast too by the look of it.

Do I want to stay hard all night? No, not really.

Have I got any ideas for American TV shows? Yeah sure, why not?

Is my penis too small? Um, too small for what?

Oh, Easter Challenge film number three now has to have action lines added, apparently and they’ve cast … HOLY FUCK! No fucking way! xxxxxx xxxxxxx? But he was xxxxx xxx xxxx in xxxxxx xxxxx!

xxxxx xxx xxxx wants to be in a movie I wrote? Shit the bed!

He was xxxxx xxxxx as well! The original xxxxx xxxxx, the seriously fucking cool xxxxx xxxxx!

Sweet fucking, nailed up Christ!

I need to lie down.

Categories: Progress | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Challenges

  1. Sitcom pilot?! Well done mate! Big news just tucked away so no one can really notice it. There’s a knob gag somewhere there. Nice work!

  2. Paul Campbell

    Somewhere among all those XXXXXXs, I’m sure there was some great news worth celebrating. So, whoo hoo! Nice one. Or two.

  3. Woot! Hoorah for you!

    I dunno, I get plague over Easter and blow all my holiday (and the following week) dying in my flat, so I don’t get to find out about your groovyness until just now?

    Best of luck with XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX

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