What the fuck is this shit?

As many people are aware, I’m not a big fan of Apple products and can safely say I’ll never own any. Assuming of course that by ‘never’ I mean ‘until I do’. The reasons have nothing to do with the intrinsic worth of any of the products, components or software and I’m by no means convinced Microsoft, Windows or any mobile phone manufacturer you care to mention are any better – I just have a strong dislike of Apple and everything they stand for.

To me it comes down to two things:

1)The weird cult-like aura which surrounds happy-clappy Apple users and the self-satisfied smugness they exude. It’s just fucking weird and slightly creepy how you people behave. No offense meant – I just don’t want to risk being like you because you freak me out.

I have a strong desire not to belong to any organisation or group – it’s part of the reason I have no interest in team sports, when you don’t care who wins it makes the mechanics of the games very dull. Although I have zero belief in any of the numerous gods knocking around, I hesitate to consider myself an atheist because I don’t like the idea of belonging to that group.

I experienced a lovely bit of Apple-mania the other day when I had to endure eight hours of four Apple-users haranguing me because I was using a non-Apple laptop. Eight fucking hours and the only time they went a bit quiet was when someone else saw me using the touchscreen on my laptop and went on for a little bit about how cool she thought it was. The Apple-loons went quiet for a bit before deciding that nobody actually wants touchscreen on a laptop – that’s why Apple don’t make them and I was obviously deluded or deranged for believing I did want it.

Later on, at the hotel we were all staying in, I found Team Apple in a bit of a funk because none of them could access the Internet. Weird, I thought, I’ve got no problems. It turns out they’d phoned the hotel’s business centre for technical support and after the usual lengthy process of determining they weren’t complete fuckwads, had worked out how to plug the cable in and turn their computers on, the helpful woman asked if they were using Macbooks.

“Of course,” they all cried, “what else would we use?”

So the woman explained Macbooks never seem to work with the hotel’s Internet and promptly hung up.

I did laugh quite a bit … but then, being the kind chap I aspire to be, I offered to let them use the Internet in my room. Oddly enough, they all declined presumably on the grounds if Steve Jobs intended for them to use the Internet he would have made their computers compatible with it.

The second reason, 2)if you’re keeping track of these things, is Apple’s advertising campaign which makes me want to hurl bricks at the telly. The whole concept of Apple’s advertising is ‘Sell the sizzle, not the sausage’ and they’ll do anything to avoid telling you the truth. It’s a string of brightly coloured lies to a funky dance track designed to make you think the product is cool rather than asking what it actually does and why it costs three times as much as everyone else’s identical products.

Things like the iPhone 2’s “GPS mapping like you’ve never seen before!’ or the iPhone 3Gs’ ‘we’ve invented video!’ claim get my blood boiling. And nothing makes me laugh harder (except perhaps old people falling over onto kittens) than the small print at the end of the ads:

“Steps removed and sequences shortened”

Or, in other words:

“Doesn’t actually do any of this.”

Or my new favourite for whatever it iPod it is they’ve just added video to where the small print points out it can’t actually take video like they’ve just shown you.

Not that the ads aren’t seductive – many’s the time I’ve watched an ad for the latest app and wished my phone could do that … only to remember it can because it, like most phones these days, has access to the Internet and most of the apps they advertise can be replicated with Google and an Internet connection.

The words which spring to mind when I think of Apple are Sirius Cybernetics Corporation with their smug doors, GPP features and ‘your plastic pal who’s fun to be with’.

Again, let me point out before you all go mental that I don’t particularly like Microsoft products either and suspect Apple stuff might be slightly better but probably still falls short of adequate. The difference I think is in the way the companies present themselves and I’ve long thought if I was at a party I’d rather spend time with Bill Gates than with Steve Jobs. I mean, yeah, Bill Gates is probably boring, nerdy and embarrassing. He’s the friend you don’t introduce to women because he’ll bore the shit out of them and they’ll hate you by association. A bit like a retarded cousin your parents force you to play with.

Steve Jobs on the other hand comes across as the kind of guy who’d steal all your possessions and try to sell them back to you for a profit. He looks and sounds like a used car salesman and seems about as trustworthy as a politician. In fact, nothing would surprise me less than if he went into politics one day. He might get the pussy, but only because he’s a verbal rapist.

All this is a really long winded way of talking about the differences between the two companies marketing strategies. Apple seem like a self-promotion company who also sell a few electronic items. Microsoft seem like a clueless, but harmless bunch of geeks who get stiffed by other marketing companies because they have no idea how to talk to anyone.

I loved those Apple commercials with Mitchell and Webb where the Apple guy was smug, trying too hard to be cool and annoying while the PC was a bit rubbish, shabby and trying hard to please everyone – that always felt right to me …

Until I saw this pile of shit:

I mean, seriously, what the fuck is this shit? Have they lost their fucking minds? Is this really the best way they could find to advertise Windows 7 (which I don’t fucking care about anyway)? A bunch of retards who can’t act sitting on a sofa pretending listening to some moron talk about ‘new’ features (which I’m pretty sure are exactly the fucking same just with different names) on a fucking laptop?

With cocking balloons in the background?

What the fuck?

Is this really the best they can do?

Or is that the point? Did they have a meeting say “Face it guys, we suck at marketing. Why don’t we just go the whole hog and suck dead man’s balls?” Maybe the point is it’s so fucking awful it’s even got people like me talking about it? Jesus fucking Christ, I never really cared about owning a laptop with Windows on it before but now I feel the need to look into Linux or whatever the hell the other minority OS is called.

That advert is so bad, at first I assumed it was some Apple-fanatics with too much fucking time on their hands and a camcorder making a piss take. I sat through the first minute or so thinking it wasn’t very funny. But apparently it’s real. I just … I can’t … what the fuck?

Even worse – there’s a whole fucking series of them!

Luckily, this school orchestra came along at exactly the right time and distracted me with laughter:

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Categories: Random Witterings, Rants, Sad Bastard, Someone Else's Way | 18 Comments

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18 thoughts on “What the fuck is this shit?

  1. helensmith

    Ooh. I love that 2001 School orchestra clip.

  2. At least they’re consistent.

  3. I marked this unread because I want to read it again in the morning and laugh my fucking head off all over again.

    Yeah, I hate Apple and Applesuckers for the same reason. They suck marketing slime from Jobs’ tits, their eyes roll back and they start speaking in tongues. Like, putting an i in front of iEverything.

    Some idiot on the radio told me that Apple had reinvented the mobile phone because they created the concept of ‘Apps’. Yeah, like people never had programs they downloaded for their phones before. Muppet.

    I’ll shut up now, else I’ll go to bed angry and we all know what that means.

  4. No! Don’t make the monsters come in my dreams again!

  5. Er, you know I took that job learning how to blow up computers… well that Windows 7 ad is not far from the truth with regard to about 40% of the people that ring us for help because they can’t use the lovely new computer they got for free with their phone contract.
    And we’re not employed to help them with their brain issues – we’re there to help them blow up their computer.
    And then they give us ear-ache because … Ah fuck it.
    I’m gonna go wash my head in a bucket in the car park, I expect they’d like that wouldn’t they.

  6. School Orchestra is very cool. I saved it till after I posted.
    Completely derailed me from the GRRR! 🙂 I may need to hit replay. LOL.

  7. angeldel

    Love it, these W7 videos are fenomenally awkward. Here’s grandma embarassing everyone in the room by saying big words like “resolution” and cracking bad jokes:

    WTF indeed…

  8. (tunelessly) i’m a mac-fellow and i’m okay / i sleep most nights and work every day…

    i was a windoze user once, and dreamed of having a computer that didn’t give me the blue finger in the eye or fill me with rage on a regular basis.

    now i have a mac that gives me a spinning wheel on occasion and cost me so much, i’d have to answer to my accountant if i were to jump on it two or twenty times.

    computer love is fucked up.

  9. Where the fuck’s my latest hit of Barronania? How do you expect people to keep checking this site seven times a day with such few updates!!! I’m thinking of reducing it to six times a day in protest. Oh and maybe five times at the weekend, though I feel that might be a bit harsh.

  10. A pedant writes:

    Not a school orchestra, in fact —

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portsmouth_Sinfonia

    … and produced by Brian Eno, no less. They do a mean version of the William Tell Overture.

  11. For further confirmation that Microsoft’s advertising people were Kamikaze pilots in their previous lives, check out the Microsoft Songsmith advert.

    Unadulterated so-bad-it’s-just-really-really-bad hideousness.

  12. Mpillobre

    Thank god some1 else sees what I see. Apple users are are all joined together in some weird little cult and the all wear the same clothes and piss everyone off with there im better then u bullshit.

  13. all i will say on the mac argument is final cut pro.
    i cut modern toss, wrong door, various ads and my feature on it. on my mac lap top (and tower sometimes). Great, cheap bit of software.
    Also, never had a virus on a mac. I use mac and pc in my house.
    Final Draft works on either 🙂 but i tend to use notepad

  14. sissi

    hi, from Portugal! I don´t understand a fucking thing of computers, just the basic. But i was in a bad day, and wrote on Google “what a fuck” and found this big figth about apple users and none apple users, and is so interesting that there´s a chat about it, amazing.so let me tell you something about computers, i work in one 8 hours a day, (travel agency work) when I arrive at home at night i don~´t want anything more with it, no sir!So i work with a LG PC, no problems, windows no problems, internet acess at the end of the evening is terrible.
    Well continue with good discussion themes!

  15. Leroy

    You are funny, i think most products are bollcks for some reason humans are obsessed with having 600 million variations of the same thing and attach vaule to them based on a string factors which have nothing to do with practicality or effiency i brought a phone that can open worm holes, think you can make a phone call on it, fat f~*king chance

  16. susan

    Hehe. I agree wholeheartedly. I can’t stand the Apple fan boy cult. I’ve been around groups like that in coffee houses and I can’t rush to the toilet fast enough to puke. There’s a cult like that when it comes to the AAPL stock too–they thought it would always only go up and look at it now!

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