They lie!

They say a watched kettle never boils.

They’re fucking liars.

Of course a watched kettle boils, it boils in exactly the same amount of time as an unwatched kettle. Unless they put more water in it or take the fuse out or some other such cuntery.

The problem is, watching  a kettle boiling is fucking boring. Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoy the pause for breath making a cup of tea gives you – the chance to get away from the computer and wander about for a minute or two. Personally, I tend to throw a few Kung Fu shapes around the kitchen – which probably goes some way towards explaining why our neighbours think I’m a bit weird.

But what if you don’t know Kung Fu? What if you don’t want to do press ups or squat thrusts while the kettle is boiling? What if  you literally have nothing better to do than watch a kettle boil? How can you possibly cope with that level of tedium?

Well worry no longer, Breville have made kettles more interesting:

That’s right, someone, somewhere has taken the time to watch a kettle boiling and thought ‘I can fucking improve on that!’. Someone else has listened to that mental someone, agreed with their opinions on the dullness of kettles and authorised probably hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of research. Research was done, prototypes were built and focus groups were focussed in an ever increasing circle of madness until finally, finally the mood kettle has arrived.

And then some prick buys one, videos it and puts it on his blog.

Sad? Oh yes; but God damn, my kettle changes colour when it boils! I’m actually sitting in my living room right now, watching the kettle boil in the kitchen … and I’ve already got a cup of tea!

Not only does a watched kettle boil, but it does so in technicolour splendour. I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without it!

Oh wait, Mandy says I have to stop blogging about the kettle or she’s going to punch me in the plums.


Categories: Sad Bastard | 18 Comments

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18 thoughts on “They lie!

  1. They say a watched *pot* never boils. They never mentioned kettles. Not to me anyway.

    And I bet your iKettle doesn’t make blue tea, does it? Eh? I bet it doesn’t turn transparent water red.

    Goddam I want one now.

    • Yes, yes, yes; but if I started talking about pots I’d have no excuse to video my kettle, would I?

      And no, it doesn’t turn water red – that’s the next model up, the Breville Jesus. We can’t afford that kind of luxury.

  2. That kettle really can call the pot black.

    … Okay, maybe not black, but dull… “Some pots are shiny.” Er,… less colourful. ?

    This is where some bright spark nips out and creates a cooking pot that changes colour too. *roll eyes*

    I’m not awake yet. (Still waiting for the kettle to boil for my first cup of coffee of the day.) Whadda you want? Leave me alone!

  3. Michael Cook

    The climate change folk don’t have a prayer, do they? If I had one of those, my kitchen would quickly resemble a sauna. I would be scraping snow off the street so I could boil it.

    Do you ever turn all the lights off in the house just to get the full effect?

    • To be fair, there’s no way of raising the temperature of water to boiling point without ruining the environment. Well, except maybe boiling a pan on a volcano.

      Or using solar power.

      Or hydro-electric, geo-thermal, wind turbines … okay, so yes there are a lot of ways of …

      I’ll start again.

      Fuck the planet. My kettle lights up, who cares if Fiji ends up under water?

      And yes, we have a no lights policy in the kitchen now and have rearranged all the work surfaces so we can see the kettle from the lounge.

  4. By the way, have none of you noticed what’s reflected in the kettle?

  5. You ARE a bit weird, Barron. But hell, your kettle is awesome.

  6. I have a Kenwood Stealth, the near silent kettle. A listened-to kettle boils, also. But you don’t know when.

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