Twitter conundrum

This morning I received an email from Mr Allen, the head of my Cyber Security Division:

Dear Mr Barron,

my team and I have looked into your recent breach of security vis a vis the social time sink website, Twitter, and have prepared the following report:


Person (or persons) unknown have created a Twitter account using your corporate email address.


  • You may be the focus of a low-grade, pathetically confused stalker.
  • A devious plot to make you more famous. (I use the word ‘more’ in an amusing sense since there are numerous shrimp who are already more famous than yourself and making you less famous is technically impossible.)
  • You are the subject of a social experiment, possibly involving Eddie Murphy and Denholm Elliot. (This seems unlikely since Denholm Elliot is dead, but a zombie Denholm Elliot has not been ruled out at this juncture.)
  • You have developed a split personality, one which hates you and wants you, if not dead, then mildly inconvenienced.
  • Someone is ‘having a laugh’ at your expense.


Attempt to log in to Twitter, select ‘reset password’ and enter a new password of your choice. (Please be advised: stop using ‘bumface’ as a password; it’s neither secure nor funny) You should now have control of your own brand and can choose to ‘tweet’ or not ‘tweet’ as you see fit.


You’re a fucking idiot. You should have done this straight away.

M. Allen

Team Leader C.S.D

P.S. I resign. You’re a fucking retard. And that kettle you bought us for the staff room is shit.

Which leaves me with a dilemma. Do I just change the password and be done with it? Or should I wait and see if there are any further developments? The problem with the first course of action is I then end up with a Twitter account I don’t want/need (oh wait, I could just delete it, couldn’t I?); the problem with the second course is it may all become a bit nasty somewhere down the line.

Any thoughts?

Categories: Random Witterings, Sad Bastard, Someone Else's Way, Things I've Learnt Recently | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Twitter conundrum

  1. I never think. I just tweet instead. I find it a handy outlet for my fevered brain. Like a sort of bucket to empty my mental trash in.

    This has not helped in anyway to solve your dilemma… has it?

    Move along. Nothing more to see here….

    Apologies for wasting your time. But rest assured it wouldn’t be half the amount of time you’d waste if you kept your mysterious Twitter account.

  2. 1) Change Password.

    2) Tweet “I do not tweet. Here is my blog. It is shiny. I love my blog.”

    3) Relax, and never visit Twitter again.

  3. 1) Get Mr Allen a colour-changing kettle like yours to get him back.

    2) Ask him how to get your mysteriously acquired yet existing twitter account to publish updates pointing at your blog entries AUTOMATICALLY. You may be surprised at how easy this is.

    3) Never visit tw*$%&# again if you hate it (but it’ll be publishing your entries and potentially making people who like twitter happy.

    4) Rejoice and marvel at technology. Or not.

  4. All good suggestions, I shall immediately follow none of them.

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