Earlier today, for ’tis late here, I was sitting by the pool with my ridiculously attractive, bikini-clad wife, looking out over the stunning atolls of the Maldives whilst working on a script which (for a change) I’m really, really enjoying writing when my mind wandered to an evening in the pub with Lord Arnopp and a conversation about what we were working on. This script had come up, as had the tale about how it had been optioned before I’d actually written it.
The story goes something like this: I’d mentioned an idea to a friend who’d then gone to Cannes and told it to a producer who immediately got in touch and optioned it – without seeing the script (which didn’t exist), a sample of my writing or even a synopsis. Basically, the producer had optioned a non-existent script – or rather the idea.
At this point, Jason pointed out they hadn’t optioned the idea, they’d optioned the pitch.
A very short pitch.
Two words, in fact.
Obviously, I’m not going to tell you what those two words are (despite telling pretty much everyone I meet) because I hope those two words will make me a lot of money and I’d rather no one else got rich first. Amazingly, no one seems to have put those two words together before – or worryingly, everyone’s put those two words together and it’s such a stupid idea no one’s bothered to do it.
“I wonder if you could have a one word pitch?” mused Lord Arnopp.
We gave it thirty seconds or so thought (which is pretty much the maximum I’m capable of) before deciding it was impossible – a pitch has to be at least two words or it’s meaningless.
And there it would have stayed, were it not for the hot sun, the rippling water, the ice cold virgin colada and Mandy’s bikini-ness distracting me from the job in hand coupled with the meandering route my brain takes to get back to the point.
Is there a one word pitch?
Can it be done?
At this point, if I were a better, more imaginative writer I would probably announce, yes, yes there is a one word pitch! I have found it! Which is three words longer than shouting ‘Eureka!’
Which rather proves a point … I can’t think of it.
So I leave it open to posterity – is there a one word pitch for a film?
If there is, post it in the comments and I’ll immediately steal it for your own good. Meanwhile, I’m off for a curry.