I know it’s traditional to do your end-of-year-blog-round-up at the end of the year you’re rounding-up, but I didn’t, so I’m doing it now.
And no, I haven’t caved in, bought an iPhone and then failed to wake up for three days in a row (although I do find it highly amusing and can’t wait to smile smugly at certain friends of mine whose most cherished and deeply held belief is ‘Apple products never go wrong’.); but I’ve just been excruciatingly busy with Persona … which the more eagle-eyed among you may have noticed completely failed to manifest itself two days ago. There is a reason for that, but it will have to wait.
So, what did I do in 2010 (which I can’t believe I’m talking about, it’s so last year)? Well, I did something rather like this …
I explained how to be happy, in a rather long winded post which went on for so long it annoyed the piss out of me; Lord knows how you felt about it.
I discovered there was a 5,50 in the morning, ate my first school dinner since I was 11 and became the world’s first, ginger Bollywood consultant.
Discovered a watched kettle does boil and took a video to prove it:
Equated ‘In the Night Garden’ to genital piercing.
Then ran head-first at a wall and played with some bunnies.
Posted lots of behind the scenes videos for ‘Just for the Record’.
Talked about Piers‘ Writers’ Social.
Got lost in America and had to ask where I was.
Spend a weekend in a fabulous house on Anglesey (which may or may not have some connection to St Seiriol) with a Lord who taught me how to con money out of people on Waltzers and a young woman who tries to bring helicopters down by hitting golf balls at them (but is considering giving it up because she almost hit a car and feels that’s a bit dangerous), whilst working out a plan to invade the Falklands as the first step towards exploiting the untapped mineral wealth of Antarctica and being served dinner by William Wordsworth’s great-granddaughter … surprisingly, this wasn’t a dream and did actually happen.
Failed to get mentioned in The Sun, Broadcast and GMTV.
That was pretty much it for February.
Wondered if Caprica would get any better – decided it wasn’t worth spending the time to find out. Did it get better?
Got given a note I didn’t understand.
Accidentally saw Superman Returns and got all shouty and upset.
Updated Quicktime and iTunes.
Explained how to deal with notes by wearing a skirt and letting other men in skirts stab you.
Broke down exactly how I deal with a thirty-day deadline … badly, is the answer, in case you were wondering.
Went to Piers‘ Writers’ Social.
The DVD for ‘Just for the Record’ became available to pre-order.
Remained unconvinced by 3D. I’m still not convinced – good idea or pointless gimmick?
Got very stressed because I was working on five projects at the same time – five! How pitifully small that number seems now. My stress dissolved in the face of this pretty picture:
Which may or may not be in pre-production around about now. Probably isn’t.
Got held prisoner in France due to a dastardly plot involving my parents, British Airways and an Icelandic volcano.
Got a bit disappointed by the Daleks and their magic Easter egg.
Decided I don’t trust anyone’s opinion.
Got in a bit of a tangle about an exclamation mark!
Spent three days shitting myself here:
Stayed awake for 36 hours, whilst travelling eight hours across five time zones so I could get to here:
Just so I could attend the premiere of ‘Just for the Record’
Went to see ‘Just for the Record’ in the same cinema I went to see all of the films which initially inspired me to be a writer. A film (based on) a script I wrote showing in an actual cinema! And not just one cinema, several across the country. Something I wrote got a theatrical release! … Shame it was a bit shit really.
Explained how cold reading helps get you out of holes you dig by being thoroughly unprofessional.
Realised IMDb ratings may be a slightly better work of fiction than the films themselves.
Was deeply surprised to find ‘Just for the Record’ in the DVD charts. Number 13, if you’re interested:
Went on a long and pointless rant about builders.
Went on a long and pointless rant about isms.
Was surprised to receive a smattering of complimentary emails.
Updated Quicktime and iTunes.
Stole some money:
Wrote my most popular post of the year: It’s not fair
Listened to two Jamaicans argue about the best way to spray paint an elephant.
Had a First Look at LVJ:
Got called a lying bastard for failing to recognise Apple as the true inventor of video calling.
Pause/beat – not the fucking same.
‘The Wrong Door’ came out on DVD! No one bought it! Hooray!
Got angry about some spelling.
Promoted some random shit.
Saw some films.
Failed to understand semi-colons.
Invented a new sport.
Failed to win at the sport I’d just invented.
Got removed from a project for waiting too long for them to send me some feedback.
Made some robots swear:
Swore I’d make the robots swear once a month, just for fun.
Failed to make the robots swear ever again. This will probably be a lifelong failure.
Got annoyed with people slagging off Richard Curtis.
Someone set up a Twitter account in my name … still don’t know who.
Realised I don’t know what iTunes is or why it’s on my computer. I mean, I know you can use it to buy music and stuff; but what’s all the rest of it for? As far as I can tell it’s something which gets between your computer and an mp3 player or a phone and … makes it all a bit more complicated. A bit like a geriatric butler who insists on chewing your food for you. I mean, what the fuck is it for?
Decided to uninstall iTunes.
Got excited about a poster I haven’t seen for twenty-five years.
Liked ‘Roger and Val Have Just Got In’ even if no one else did.
Moaned about people fucking up my (admittedly poor) scripts by removing, changing or otherwise tampering with the protagonist AFTER the fucking script has been shot.
Went to the theatre – nothing blew up, no one got naked and there was a surprising lack of giant killer robots; but it was actually very enjoyable.
Expressed a desire to project a photo of my balls onto various people’s faces.
Uninstalled iTunes – what the fuck is this shit? Where does it keep coming from? I don’t want it. I don’t need it. Please, please fuck off!
Gave up and updated iTunes.
Tried to name a space shuttle ‘Brian’.
Learnt there is such a thing as a one word pitch.
Had a warm gooey feeling because I did something uncharacteristically nice.
Got confused between my imagination and a piece of paper.
Tried to decipher the numbering system of a script competition.
Realised iTunes seems to have given up asking to be updated.
Confessed my sexual fondness for a cartoon character.
Ranted about working for two producers who hated each other.
Wished Apple would just make Quicktime work properly in the first place. Or at least the last place, since it seems to update every fucking two days and still doesn’t actually fucking work. What exactly is updating? Is inability to play any fucking file whatsoever?
Reinstalled Quicktime so I could watch a film trailer.
Talked about the snow for fucking ages.
Realised I’d spent more time updating Quicktime than fucking breathing. In fact, I’d go so far as to say updating Quicktime is 80% of my social interaction with the world.
Talked about some loveliness.
Realised Quicktime hasn’t asked to be updated for a week. I miss that little guy.
Did something I didn’t want to do and enjoyed it.
Made writing ridiculous complex with all sorts of colour-coded formulas.
Where’s Quicktime? Why isn’t it talking to me any more? Have I upset it somehow?
Got really excited about the trailer for:
And began the nine day countdown to … nothing.
UPDATED QUICKTIME! HE’S BACK! HE DOES LOVE ME! … Bollocks.
And that was about it. There wasn’t a lot of actual blogging happening this year, primarily because 2010 was the year of taking on too many projects. 12 features in all. 12 – fucking ridiculous. Behind the scenes, unblogged, I managed to work my way through 9 of those 12 features – 3 of them are still waiting patiently in the wings; invented the format for, hired writers for, developed, wrote and script-edited Persona (which has been delayed, but is definitely starting in January this year); attended a lot of meetings; met the world’s most pretentious man; travelled 8402 miles in 16 hours just to wank into a pot; became a sort of Producer; was forced to interact with actors; set fire to lots of things which went fizz …. bang; ruined four rolls of really expensive wallpaper; loved my wife and my daughter and generally had an absolute fucking ball.
What does 2011 hold?
Well, Persona for one thing. Those last three films and then a break from films for a while. Probably. Maybe some features going into production. Twitter – maybe? I might just follow people for a while and see what happens. And … um … sleep. I need some sleep. Quite a lot of it, really.
Happy New Year!