I’ve gone on record as saying
Which is broadly true, every note has merit.
Except one.
And today, you lucky, lucky people, I’m going to tell you what it is.
It’s a fairly specific note, one you’re reasonably unlikely to ever come across.
It happened to me about four years ago on a produced feature; one which, if you’re really clever and scrutinise my IMDb page really, really carefully, you could possibly work out what it was.
Unless I’m lying about when it happened.
Which I am.
The rest of this post will be told in script form and I swear to you this is 100% true.
Except the bits which aren’t:
PRODUCER
We need you to cut out some of CHARACTER X’s scenes.ME
Okay, why?PRODUCER
Well, we’ve hired an actor and he can’t do Tuesdays.ME
Right. Why have you hired him? Is it someone really famous who’s going to raise the profile of the film?PRODUCER
No.ME
Right.PRODUCER
But he was in Star Wars!ME
Oh, wow, really?PRODUCER
Yeah! He was a Stormtrooper.ME
I see.PRODUCER
He’s perfect for the part.ME
Is he?PRODUCER
No, not really. But he’s available.ME
Except on Tuesdays?PRODUCER
Yeah.ME
Okay. Which scenes are scheduled for Tuesdays?PRODUCER
We haven’t done the schedule yet.ME
Right. So how am I supposed to know which scenes he can’t do?PRODUCER
I don’t know! Just cut out a seventh of his scenes.ME
Randomly?PRODUCER
Look, just do it, okay? He’s not available on Tuesdays, so just cut out all the Tuesday scenes.ME
You do know this isn’t being filmed in real time, right?PRODUCER
Don’t get fucking smart with me.ME
Wouldn’t dream of it. Why would we want anyone smart around here?PRODUCER
Oh and you need to cut out some of his walking scenes too. He’s got a dodgy hip, he can’t really walk very far. And maybe some of the more complicated talking.ME
Just a thought, but have you considered hiring someone who’s actually available and capable of performing the role?PRODUCER
No.ME
No, I didn’t think so. I’ll see what I can do.
And so the director and I worked out a way to cut out one of the characters for a little over a seventh of his scenes. I can’t honestly say it didn’t harm the finished script because the character was built up … then vanished for a bit … then came back in at the end with a really weak excuse for being missing throughout.
But we did it.
The end result?
The producer hired someone else.
A guy who couldn’t do Mondays.
Incidentally, this kind of behaviour pretty much explains why I’m so keen to distance my writing from the actual films themselves.
The Jobbing Scriptwriter 
Utterly surreal. So bizarre it couldn’t be made up.
I have spotted the problem… when the new guy was hired you should have immediately put back ALL of the Tuesday scenes….and then cut the Monday scenes. Its obvious really. Why didn’t you think of that? [Stormtrooper? with dodgy hip? Really? that was the lie here wasn’t it.. he was really in the cantina scene wasn’t he?]
That would have made sense, if anyone had told me they’d hired a different actor.
The director didn’t even find out until the day of the actor’s first scene; he spent the first half of the day trying to get this stranger out of shot in case the Tuesday actor turned up.
That’s the trouble with Tuesdays, you see. Just way too unpredictable. I’d happy cut out Tuesdays all together. Pesky things.
I laughed, I cried, I posted this on G+. So now, like twenty to thirty people are…well, let’s be honest, they’re ignoring my post and trying to get people to buy their new e-book. Hey, did I tell you about MY new e-book? Oh, ok.
One day I’m going to find the device or program that lets me assemble all the blogs I like, from all the different platforms, and read them like the best damn magazine in the world. I don’t want them dropping in my email inbox, I want them on my Kindle Fire, or my desktop, laid out nice and neat. That way I won’t miss gems like this in the future.
Write on.
Been without a computer for 10 days. Hilarious way to get back into the “real” world. Great rewrite tool, just cut seven Tuesdays.
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