Great script, great script … just a couple of points, really. Names.
There’s too many of them.
Too many characters?
No, you’ve got the right number of characters, but there are too many names.
You want some of them called the by the same name? Like six Barry’s or five Mildreds?
No, no, no. You’re not understanding me.
Oh, you noticed?
The protagonist has too many names. Dan, Danny, Daniel … it’s too many. Pick one name and stick to it.
I see. The thing is, it’s kind of meant to be like that.
No. His mother calls him Daniel because she’s a bit stuck up and is disappointed in him, his father calls him Danny because he can’t let his son grow up and still thinks of him as a little boy, and his friends call him Dan because to them he’s a peer.
Yeah, exactly. Confusing. One character, one name. Like Indiana Jones. One name. Everyone calls him Indy.
Expect Marcus Brody who calls him Indiana?
Well, yeah, except him.
Or Short Round who calls him Dr. Jones in public and Indy in private?
Um, well …
Actually, I think all the Nazis call him Dr Jones too, don’t they? So does Belloq, maybe?
Yeah, but that’s fine, because he is a doctor.
Right. And his father calls him Junior.
Yes, but that’s his father.
Come to think of it, is it only the women who call him Indy? And Short Round. Sometimes.
The point is, Indiana Jones isn’t confusing, but this script is.
Because I didn’t understand it.
You didn’t understand that Dan, Danny and Daniel referred to the same person? Even when the dialogue and character name always refers to him as Dan throughout the entire script? And the only time his father calls him Danny, there’s only the two of them in the scene and the dialogue is immediately preceded by the action line “Dan’s father grabs Dan’s arm”?
Would it help if we replaced Danny with a talking kangaroo?
Pingback: 2014 | The Jobbing Scriptwriter