Just for the Record

Just for the Record – coming soon to a cinema (possibly) near you!

Just for the Record, the film based on a script wot I wrote (not, you’ll notice, the film wot I wrote – I wrote the script, other people took it off and made a film out of it. Script/Film – not the same thing) is being released in cinemas on May the 7th.

Personally, I find that rather exciting.

Not quite enough to add an exclamation mark to that sentence, because I’m just not that kind of guy. (!)

“What cinemas? Where?” I hear you cry.

Which is odd, since I’m currently trapped in a remote country house in France. And surely that should be ‘Which cinemas?’

“Which cinemas? Where?”

Hold on, I’m getting to that part. Jesus, you fucking people.

From the 7th of May, Just for the Record is showing in Apollo Cinemas in six splendid and worthy locations:

Amazingly, these six cinemas are NOWHERE NEAR WHERE I LIVE!

Nowhere near.

Fucking miles away, in fact. Hundreds of fucking miles.

In a strange bit of synchronicity though, Leamington Spa is where I grew up.

Well, sort of. It’s where I spent my teenage years. Growing up is perhaps an optimistic term for a man who still salivates over the Toys’R’ Us website.

I want this for my birthday, by the way.

The Apollo in Leamington, formerly The Regal, is where I saw Return of the Jedi, Gremlins, Back to the Future (1,2 and 3), Rocky 4 (got involved in my first riot outside), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, E.T. and almost every other film which made me want to write films in the first place.

That’s quite exciting.

To me, anyway.

Just for the Record! In the cinemas! Soon! Ish!

Oh fuck it, here’s the trailer again:

And for those of you who similarly live nowhere fucking near any of these cinemas, here’s the Play.com link again in case you feel the need to pre-order the DVD.

Categories: Just for the Record, Progress | 8 Comments

HELP! I’m being held prisoner by the French!

Well, not the French, more the English really.

And not really the English, just some of them. Two of them. My parents, to be exact. But they do live in France.

And if I’m honest, I’m not being held prisoner, I’m just stuck in France because of that whole volcano jiggery-pokery.

So I guess you could say the title of this post is a complete lie given none of the words are actually true.

Except maybe HELP!

Which seems a bit melodramatic since I’m actually staying with my rather lovely parents in their rather lovely old mill

surrounded by rather lovely French people, enduring rather lovely weather and watching Alice serve tea to a gorilla.

In fact, HELP! is completely unnecessary. Thinking about it, I guess the title of this post should have been:

Hello, I’m stuck in France where everything is lovely and relaxing.

Except the being stuck part. I have no pressing need to get back, but still … I’m trapped. Pinned in. Confined in a single location … even if that location is an entire country which is considerably bigger than the one I usually live in. Even the house is rather roomier:

But trapped I am and trapped I’ll remain until the volcano stops erupting (in about 2 years time) or the airlines decide to find their balls and at least have a go at doing their fucking job. I mean, come on, what’s all this pessimism about? No knows for sure it’s going to blow up plane engines, why not operate on a suck it and see basis? Simply fly your regular schedule until the first plane goes down, then worry about it. I think we’d all agree a plane load of dead passengers is better than all this inconvenience.

So what’s been going on? What have I missed whilst out in the wilderness?

Apparently a meeting with a TV channel about a sitcom thing went well. Sounds good.

The last two scripts I wrote seemed to have gone down well, or at least the emails don’t have too many swear words in them, so that’s got to be good. A synopsis appears to be well received too, so I’m kind of on top of the writing pile right now.

Apart from all the stuff I haven’t done yet because I decided to bugger off to France instead.

What else? Another episode of Doctor Who … yeah … hmm.

Liking Matt Smith, liking Karen Gillian, love the new TARDIS interior, bit confused by the shiny new TARDIS exterior (is the Chameleon Circuit working now?), loved the first episode, liked the second, kind of unsure about the third … is anyone actually thinking about these stories? You know, beyond the ‘wouldn’t it be cool if …’ kind of thoughts?

I mean, that last one in particular, stuff just happened. Presumably on the grounds it looked cool. Shouldn’t there have been some, I don’t know, reason, logic or thought behind it all? How long does it take to manufacture, test and install a gravity bubble thing in a Spitfire? Let alone training the pilots, providing an oxygen system, propulsion, actually flying into space … apparently about four minutes. Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Project: Danny Boy was something the professor was already working on as opposed to something he built (from pre-existing designs, I admit) and installed virtually instantaneously?

Not really loving the fat, hunchback, multi-coloured Daleks either. I thought the last design was possibly the best ever, something really sinister about them. These ones … well, perhaps they had to eat their way out of that Easter egg they were trapped in?

Also, what exactly was the Daleks’ plan?

“Right. Nigel, Nigel stop fucking about with that Easter egg and pay attention. Okay, so, we’re got three Daleks with a space ship–”

“Which is fucked.”

“Yes, thank you Reg. With a fucked space ship and an Easter egg which, if we’re lucky, has some new Daleks inside it.”

“Or some Smarties!”

“No, Nigel, I keep fucking telling you. There are no fucking Smarties in that fucking Easter egg. Now pay a-fucking-tention.”

“Might be Smarties.”

“It’s not fucking Smarties! You make me so fucking mad, I swear, you’re one step away from a fucking extermination, you hear me? One step away. Where was I?”

“The plan.”

“Right, yes. Thank you Reg. The plan. Let’s paint ourselves green, design and build a completely foolproof fake human with a bomb inside him.”

“Or some–”

“Shut the fuck up! Seriously, shut the fuck up! Mention Smarties once more and it’s the fucking egg-whisk of doom. I’m not fucking kidding. We pretend the fake human made us and … you’re going to love this … ”


“Wait for the Doctor to show up.”


“Genius, yeah?”

“Why don’t we use the bomb to blow up the Earth? That’ll probably get the Doctor’s attention pretty quickly.”

“Yeah, or we could just rampage around the planet and kill all the humans until he turns up. That’ll be fun and it’ll bring him running.”

“No! This is my fucking plan, got it? We’re going to paint ourselves green, hide in an office and make some fucking tea.”

“For how long?”

“As long as it fucking takes. At least a month.”



“With this tea, will there be–”


“Right, so there’s two Daleks left …”

Serving tea for a month until the Doctor shows up … not very Dalek, is it? Unless they put the milk in first, that’s proper evil that is.

And let me ask you this, you’ve got what you want from the Doctor, you’ve got him in front of you, he’s your mortal enemy. You’re armed, he’s not. You’ve got no conscience and have been serving fucking tea for a fucking month. What would you do? Run away? Yep, sounds plausible. They must have been reading the script. Oh, and why shoot the fake man they’ve created in the hand just to prove he was a robot? Because it looks cool or because it makes sense?

Why can’t, and this might be a radical thought, but why can’t it look cool AND make sense? What if he had a weapon i his hand and that’s why they had to shoot it off?

Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I loved the Jammie Dodger line, just to redress the balance.

Where was I?

France, yes.

Checking out my what I’ve missed in the last week …

Ooh! Here’s a fucking awesome bit of info, it appears Just for the Record is …

You know what? That’s so exciting (to me) it deserves its own post.

To be continued.

Or concluded.

Depending on your point of view.

Oh yeah, there are some SPOILERS up there somewhere.

Categories: Just for the Record, Rants, Sad Bastard, Things I've Learnt Recently | 8 Comments

Just for the Record – DVD

Looky, looky, Just for the Record, the film based on the script wot I wrote, is available for pre-order on Play.com:


For those of you with short memories, who weren’t paying attention or have recently joined us, Just for the Record is a feature film starring Danny Dyer, Rik Mayall, Sean Pertwee, Billy Murray, Steven Berkoff, Colin Salmon, Victoria Silvstedt, Craig Fairbrass, Philip Davis, Lisa McAllister, Roland Manookian and well, lots of people really.

This is the trailer:

Based purely on that trailer (and possibly the one which preceded it) 3 directors and 2 producers have already threatened to sue me, each believing the respective director/producer characters are based on them.

I did suggest a disclaimer at the beginning of the film:


… but apparently that’s not good enough.

Personally, I find this threat of legal action from so many diverse sources to be a refreshing affirmation. I’ve obviously nailed the characters for so many people to see themselves reflected in them.

Curiously, no writers have got upset yet.

For those who can’t work it out from the trailer, which is entirely plausible, this is the synopsis:

In 2008 an independent production company set out to make the micro-budget feature film ‘Just For The Record’.

Armed with a stellar cast of top TV actors, the world’s most advanced digital camera and a quirky location to die for … what could possibly go wrong?

A lot, as it happens.

A year after the film has been abandoned, the cast and crew reunite for a series of interviews about the ill-fated production. It’s a constant round of accusations, recriminations and humorous anecdotes as everyone tries to answer the central burning question: Why did the film fail and whose fault was it?

The interviews reveal a host of possible candidates:

For a start there’s the alcoholic, womanising and mostly incompetent Producer. Then there’s the wunderkind Director who doesn’t make films, he creates experiences – bad ones; the writer who’s read every screenplay book going without actually managing to develop any talent; the editor hired more for his ability to annoy than his editing skills and the DOP who would struggle to understand a ZX Spectrum, let alone a state of the art camera.

Mix them all together with a two week night shoot, a budget smaller than most films’ catering bill, an incompetent crew, a cast who can’t stand each other and a location which proves to be dark, inaccessible and downright un-filmable … and you have the perfect conditions for laying a cinematic turd.

JUST FOR THE RECORD is a warning to anyone thinking of making a feature film on the cheap. By turns hilarious, tragic and poignant the direct to camera interviews of the cast and crew expose what it’s really like in the seedy, cash strapped and ultimately thankless world of micro budget filmmaking.

Reminiscing about every stage of the process from conception through scripting, casting, preproduction, shooting, editing and ultimately giving up in despair – this pathetic tale will entertain, inform and warn off anyone thinking of getting involved in a similar project.

JUST FOR THE RECORD is a how-not-to manual which proves you can have all the talent in the world … or you can have a micro-budget movie.

So there you go.

And here it (nearly is), available for pre-order now:


And due for release on the 17th of May.

Buy it before anyone has a chance to review it.

Categories: Just for the Record, Progress, Publicity | 6 Comments

Behind the scenes – Ciaran Griffiths

And Ciaran Griffiths:

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Behind the scenes – Alice Barry

Wait, there’s more Just for the Record goodness … Alice Barry:

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Just for the Record – Metrodome

Now this has got to be good news, right?



Categories: Just for the Record, Progress | 2 Comments

Behind the scenes – Danny Dyer

And Danny Dyer

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Behind the scenes – Calum McNab

And Calum McNab

… anyone else getting bored of these?

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Behind the scenes – Geoff Bell

And Geoff Bell

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Behind the scenes – Roland Manookian

And Roland Manookian

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