K

2008

Another year over (nearly). How was your 2008?

Mine was suspiciously like this:

JANUARY

George MacDonald Fraser died. I was a bit upset about that.

I set out to write a feature in six days (due to some ridiculously bad time-management skills). I actually managed to write it in three … and it was shit.

I found out I had no idea what blue pages actually are. Or rather, I knew what they were, but not exactly what they looked like and how to do them. I’m still not 100% sure but I’ve come up with my own version and no one’s complained so far.

Whilst on location for ‘K‘ I managed to work out a cheap way of throwing an actor off the roof.

I got fired from a film and inexplicably became obsessed with tin foil as a direct result. Looking back on that, it might have been a teeny tiny nervous breakdown.

I learnt how to write a sex scene which won’t upset actresses, then got called a sexist by Piers for using the word ‘actresses’.

Weirdly, someone asked me to put more swearing into a script. I’ve never been asked for that before or since.

K‘ started shooting.

I began a new script and immediately tried to hide under the tin foil again.

I bought my first ever calendar.

And to wrap January up, BBC Three announced the airdate for ‘The Wrong Door‘.

FEBRUARY

I learnt how to keep actors happy. Or happier, anyway.

I finished the first draft of the new script and for some reason felt the need to post a video of my friends and I massacring ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love’.

IMDB made me happy.

After a couple of years of faithful service, I abandoned this room:

Office

And moved into this one:

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Which has a sofa for me to lie on whilst wrapped in tin foil:

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And a light switch shaped like a nipple:

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All to make space for my soon-to-be-arriving daughter. My old office looks more like this now:

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And then I got memed. I didn’t like it.

 

MARCH

I decidedthe new script was going to be my last low budget film and from now on I was going to concentrate purely on some TV specs.

I started work on two more low budget films. Since I can’t remember what they were, they obviously went the way of most low budget films and imploded on contact with reality.

I wrote a lot of shit about strategy.

Adele Silva completely failed to mention me in Hello!

I learnt taking meetings when your brain is in a different time zone is a bad idea.

I got invited to a mysterious gathering.

I learnt I used to live in Croydon – or at least that’s what the Croydon Guardian believes.

I worked out how to introduce a character without having her in the scene.

And then I got dressed up as Captain Kirk.

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APRIL

Wow, are you still reading? Really?

I went to the thing I got invited to – a BBC shindig and chance to meet the producers of the BBC’s New Comedy Unit. Where I stood in the corner for a few hours, got very hot, very angry and completely failed to meet any of the producers of the BBC’s New Comedy Unit.

I realised there are very few female sidekicks.

I picked up even more low budget film work.

Abi Titmuss completely failed to mention me in The Sun and then promised to continue to never mention me in public. I decided not to believe she existed.

Karma Magnet turned up online. People seemed to like it.

Abi Titmuss made good her promise and failed to mention me in Closer.

I confirmed, once and for all, actors don’t really have sex in sex scenes. Unless it’s porn.

I got to write for Doctor Who. Not the show, or even the current Doctor, but for Sylvester McCoy and that’s good enough for me.

I decided some actors needed punching in the throat.

And then the new script started shooting, so I went and hid in the Caribbean.

 

MAY

 I finally gave in and went on set. It was fun. I made tea.

Shouted at people for getting upset about not winning competitions. If you’ve entered the Red Planet Prize this year, you should read this post again.

I had a day off. That was nice too.

Someone said something nice about me on IMDB. I immediately became suspicious.

I had another shout at people for being idiots and starving themselves to death whilst failing as a writer. Get a proper job, for fuck’s sake.

Had my first, and so far only, guest post.

Wrote a short guide to dealing with notes which basically involved a lot of swearing and some minor violence.

Hmm … May was a bit rubbish, wasn’t it?

 

JUNE

I decided to murder my old spec scripts and just deleted them.

I rescued  my old spec scripts from the recycle bin and hid them where I couldn’t find them.

Fleeced‘ started filming – that’s three features so far this year.

Got another black belt – also my third.

Went on a bit about loving the treatment I was writing. I wish I hadn’t now.

Shouted a bit about questions and then took two weeks off because:

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Seriously, who gives a fuck about the rest of the year?

 

JULY

Oh, you’re still reading, are you?

Fine, come on then.

Shall we just have one more photo of Alice?

alice

 Aw.

Anyway.

In July I organised a museum heist.

Got invited to a screening of The Wrong Door.

Went to the screening of The Wrong Door, met loads of people including Doctor Fox, Sarah Morgan and her boyfriend, didn’t make a tit of myself (except with Doctor Fox) and managed to steal a T-shirt:

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Two days later, I had to give the T-shirt back. A handy tip – if you steal something, don’t mention it on your blog.

Learnt how to be constructive with my criticism rather than just scrawling SHIT on the script in red ink, wiping my arse on it and sending it back.

Met Gordon Robertson after knowing him via email (not in the biblical sense, that’s impossible) for a few years. He’s a nice bloke.

And then waffled on a bit about random shit to avoid having to do any real work.

 

AUGUST

Crap. Still working on that fucking treatment.

Got asked an annoying question.

Got offered a shit load of imaginary money.

Got asked if I wanted to run a sketch writing workshop. I didn’t. Then I thought I might. Then the guy stopped talking to me. So I didn’t.

Didn’t have dinner with Gordy Hoffman.

Bought a new computer:

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It has touchscreen. I like touching it.

Discovered cats and touchscreen computers don’t mix.

The Wrong Door got a lot of publicity in the run up to the show – 12 of the 14 reviews I read were very positive. 2 were very negative.

The Wrong Door kicked off. So did a guy called Ben Randall who was so upset he didn’t find a programme funny he came all the way over to this blog to call me names.

 

SEPTEMBER

The Wrong Door had the highest opening of any show on BBC Three (about four people) which seemed to greatly upset a handful of Internet loonies who went on and on and on about it for fucking ages.

I made the mistake of suggesting the people coming to my blog to call me names because they didn’t find a TV programme funny were a bit mental. Several people took great exception to this and went far out of their way to call me names in an effort to prove how mistaken I was about their lack of sanity and a real life.

Got my first death threat. Actually I got two death threats and one offer to rape my three month old daughter to ‘teach me a lesson’. That was nice. Perfectly sane behaviour that, I thought.

Still working on that fucking treatment.

Had a superb meeting where people offered me lots of money. I didn’t, and still don’t, really believe them.

Got offered another low budget feature film. That’s more like it.

Yet more abuse about The Wrong Door. One guy has taken to posting insults then changing names and agreeing with himself. He doesn’t seem to be able to grasp concepts like IP addresses, I can see it’s all one guy. I assumed this was a guy because I like to think women have better things to do.

There was a new trailer for LVJ. Again.

An old project threatened to spring back to life … and then didn’t.

Finally finished that fucking treatment.

Oh and a bit more abuse about The Wrong Door.

On a serious note, all that abuse was a bit wearing. You write in the privacy of your own room for years until someone decides they want to make your work. You’re pleased, they’re pleased, the show comes out and generally people either like it or turn it off. Then a small contingent of morons think it’s perfectly acceptable to come and call you names, threaten your family and generally behave like cunts because – horror of horrors – THEY don’t like it. It’s depressing and it’s demotivating. I expected to be slagged off in papers if the critics didn’t like something I’d written. I expected to be slagged off on forums or other people’s blogs – all that’s fair enough; but the sheer persistence of a few individuals who felt the need to come here and spout off about it did actually get me down.

Until Oli sent me a cartoon. Which explained everything and really cheered me up. I decided I would find some way to repay him, somehow.

I completely failed to do some writing and in a gargantuan procrastination session, I redesigned my website.

 

OCTOBER

I revealed the one true secret of screenwriting THEY don’t want you to know.

The Wrong Door finished.

The abuse didn’t.

Took on far too much work and struggled to cope.

Found out I didn’t have a second act. Bit of a bugger that one.

Had a dream about Jason Arnopp, James Moran and an over-ground submarine.

Fixed the second act thing and discovered it no longer matched the ending.

Wrote a whiny post about writing treatments in the hope a certain producer was reading and would let me off for not turning in a treatment he was expecting. It didn’t work. Turns out he can’t read.

Wrote a writer’s vision for a sales pack – I don’t have any vision.

That guy’s still answering himself on The Wrong Door posts.

Found out I’m a celebrity.

 

NOVEMBER

Is anybody still reading?

Why?

Are you fucking mental? Go outside and play.

November:

The second-act-less treatment went to script stage. Bugger. Now I have to write the fucking thing.

Saw some footage from Fleeced. Was pleasantly surprised.

Found out I’m an anal bastard.

That loon is still at it, still posting bile and answering himself. It’s been three months!

Didn’t get an email from Kristen Kreuk.

Made Alice do some writing for me:

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She’s better than me, so I banned her from using the computer.

Got horribly busy.

Actually did some work.

Ate some soup.

Got upset about writing the first ten pages of a script.

Painted the lounge, got high on paint fumes, wrote a load of shit about writing sketches. I have no idea what my point was.

Got a request about re-writing. Wrote a loooooooooooooooooooooooong post about it.

Got sacked from a project I didn’t know I was involved in.

Learnt that A and B are the same thing.

Talked about bookcases and wallpaper. No idea why. Probably trying to avoid working.

Got all arsey about the word ‘what’.

That lone loon’s finally stopped commenting. I miss him, the crazy bastard.

 

DECEMBER

Hooray! December! This post is finally over and we can all go home!

Assuming any of you are still here.

Met some more writers in the pub: Paul Campbell, Danny Stack, Lara Greenway, Michelle Lipton and Oli … as well as the normal crowd. They were all nice. I told Danny and Michelle the secret which isn’t really a secret – just something I don’t bother telling people. Danny immediately left the pub, Michelle wanted to hug me.

Got angry with ten imaginary people because there were ten of them.

Panicked. Finished the script.

Cut out every other word in the vague feeling it might make it exciting and mysterious. It didn’t.

Told people how to wait. Not sure why, probably avoiding some other work.

Declared my love affair with Apparitions. Which I still haven’t seen the last episode of. I’m a fickle fucker sometimes.

Had some fun. It was fun.

Met James Moran. Told him the secret which isn’t really a secret – he seemed to find it funny.

And there you go. That was 2008 for me. How was it for you? 

Categories: BBC, BBC Sketch Show, Bored, Fleeced, K, Karma Magnet, LVJ, My Way, Progress, Random Witterings, Rants, Sad Bastard, The Wrong Door, Two steps back, Writing and life | 18 Comments

Spring writing

Spring is here and life’s comfortably busy. It’s all ticking over in a constant stream of work, which, as long as I keep on top of it, is perfectly manageable.

Despite me saying I was going to focus on some TV stuff this year, I seem to be working almost exclusively on more movies. I can’t say I’m particularly upset since I like working on films; but I really must look at getting some TV work soon.

Or at least, as soon as I finish off my current workload. It’s a sort of conveyer belt system at the moment with five feature films on the go in a constant cycle of moving them from synopsis to treatment to longer treatment to first draft to rewrites (ad nauseum) and finally to shooting script.

Right now I’m niggling at Mixed Up which starts shooting in a few weeks – the script’s as good as done, there’s just the odd change and tweak for production reasons from now on.

There’s the sequel to K which is now a three page treatment awaiting comment and discussion.

Night Junkies: The Cure which is at first draft stage – although that’s a co-written thing, so the first draft wasn’t done by me but is from my treatment which in turn is based on Lawrence’s ideas.

Tripping Up which is at second draft stage and awaiting further instructions.

And a new comedy which I’m turning into a synopsis today.

I like working like this, just breezing from one project to the next until you get round them all. It’s easy to budget my time for and it’s relatively stress free. I know roughly how long each stage should take for each project and I can just relax and get on with it.

I’m even having to turn down a few things – two features in as many weeks – on the grounds I haven’t really got the time to devote to them. They were both projects I probably would have done given the time, but ones I would have had to drum up the enthusiasm for rather than being fired up by just the idea.

So instead of piling on project after project until I’m screaming at the walls for interrupting me when I’m thinking, I’m progressing at a comfortable pace and enjoying the work. It’s all tranquil streams and calm summer meadows in this office right now.

Of course, there’s always that cloud of pure panic on the horizon. The nagging sense that someone, somewhere is going to ask me to do something I can’t say no to. Something which is going to cram itself into my schedule and destroy any luxurious free time I’m currently able to spend on anything I damn well please.

But then, that’s the whole point of not overcrowding my plate – I can do it if I feel the need. Until that thundercloud of franticness breaks, I’m just sculling lazily along from project to project like a contented bee.

In a boat, apparently. I must stop mixing metaphors.

The sun’s shining, my fingers are remarkably blood free and all is well.

Categories: K, Progress, Tripping Up | Leave a comment

Bits and bobs

Just a few random updates, nothing exciting.

Well, depends on who you are, I suppose. In fact, some of them, if not all are very exciting to me.

I’ll start again.

Hey wow! Guess what’s going on in my life! It’s all groovy and neato.

I think ‘K‘ might have finished shooting. I’m not sure, but there are some crew photos flying around and I’m fairly certain it was due to finish the weekend just gone.

This isn’t really news, is it? It’s just a bit of pointless conjecture.

And talking of pointless conjecture, I think ‘The Wrong Door’ (the BBC3 sketch show) might have finished shooting too. This is an even more spurious piece of guesswork, since I have absolutely no idea when it was shooting or how long for.

I did have a text from one of the CGI guys telling me he’d seen some of my stuff which I think might have been in the last batch. Obviously they were saving the best for last.

Either that or they were hoping they’d have enough material from everyone else and wouldn’t need to use my pitiful efforts.

Either way, I think it’s done now.

Maybe.

Something I am more sure about – the first draft of the new script went down well. I’ve got a couple of pages of notes to action, but they don’t amount to much more than a few superficial changes – there’s nothing major which needs changing and shouldn’t take long to do.

I think.

Although that may just be my eternally optimistic memory playing me up again.

I should double-check that.

After that’s done, the way is surprisingly clear. There’s nothing immediately pressing which needs doing. There are another couple of films slated to shoot this year; but until people get back to me with notes, there’s nothing I can do. Which means, apart from tweaking the new script as it heads for production, I’ve got some free time.

Free writing!

I can write whatever I want!

Cool.

The plan is to focus more on TV stuff, since I have a fair few films in pre-production/development (12-ish) and any one of them could explode into something amazing or disappear up their collective arses at any moment.

I think I’ve done as much as I can there for the time being, and although I will work on anything interesting which comes my way, TV would seem to be a better bet for a more financially stable future.

With that in mind, I’m going to start by writing down the list of potential ideas which have been swimming aimlessly round my skull for years now, put them in order of attractiveness and write some sort of pitch document for each one.

In theory, I should end up with a dozen or so of these outlines which I can maybe use to generate some interest.

In theory.

Who wants to lay odds on me starting another low-budget film next week?

Categories: K, Progress, Random Witterings, The Wrong Door | 1 Comment

Validation

Sometime in the last few days, K appeared on IMDb. I don’t know why, but seeing an extra credit on my page always gives me a thrill.

Getting the first one sent me into spasms of euphoria, I really felt like I’d achieved something. The funny thing is, each subsequent credit has had the same, although slightly reduced, effect.

It’s a form of validation, as if that single listing means I really am a writer. The meetings, the notes, the phone calls, the brightly coloured index cards and the actual people pointing actual cameras at other actual people who read my lines, hell, even the finished DVDs on my shelf somehow are all less real than an IMDb credit.

As if IMDb makes it all official.

Since each successive credit has moved me slightly less, I guess there will be a time when it’s so commonplace I don’t even bother to check … and that saddens me. I enjoy being excited about the trivial things, it confirms to me I’m putting my energies into a career which is worthwhile in the only meaningful way – it makes me happy.

Hopefully, one day, something I write will make other people happy instead of annoyed or slightly nauseous; but since that will make me even happier … hell, it’s all about me.

Jonathan Sothcott once asked me if I thought we would ever stop giggling like excited schoolgirls over the poster art for new projects and I really hope the answer is no.

For me, for now, I’m revelling in a slightly increased sense of self-worth.

I’m a writer, IMDb says so.

Categories: K, Progress, Sad Bastard | 5 Comments

Moving on

So K started shooting on Saturday and so far I guess no news is good news – on the grounds that if something was going horribly wrong, I’m sure I would have heard by now.

With that all underway it’s time to move onto the next project: Mixed Up.

Mixed Up is a comedy feature set in a Croydon record shop, directed by Lawrence Pearce and produced by my pimp, Jonathan Sothcott.

This is the blurb from Lawrence’s website:

“Mixed Up is a quirky independent comedy set in a second-hand record store with a heart and personality all of its own. The store is a real life treasure called Beanos and it’s my pleasure to bring this amazing place to the screen.

Taking inspiration from Empire Records, High Fidelity, Kevin Smith’s Clerks and Cameron Crowe’s Singles, this multi-character story presents memorable and lovable characters as they explore their own fears of failure and find that music still has the power to bring people together.”

Sounds good, doesn’t it?

Watch me fuck it up.

There’s a new challenge here, the ‘multi-character story’ part. I’ve done the treatment and I’m halfway through plotting out the scenes – so far so good. The challenging part is getting the scenes to marry up emotionally. I don’t want some of the stories all smilely and happy whilst someone else is getting screwed over … except when it works and one character’s happiness makes someone else miserable.

It’s an interesting process because moving a few story elements around messes up all the other stories and means I have to back off and have a re-think. I still want that emotional roller-coaster feel; but not from scene to scene. The film still has to have an overall cohesion which can generate real emotions as it progresses – without yoyo-ing from happy to sad every other scene as we switch stories.

It’s not something I’ve done before and I’m looking forward to seeing how it works out; plus I haven’t done any comedy for a while and I’m interested to see if I’ve still got it.

Assuming I ever had it.

Oh bollocks, I feel a tin foil episode coming on.

Categories: K, Progress | 3 Comments

Sex and the actress

With the shoot for K kicking off tomorrow, my days are mostly full with tweaks and adjustments to the script – none of them major, most of them just revolve around the practicality of filming in a certain location or the availability of a certain actor on certain days.

For example: if a certain scene is inside rather than outside, then a night shoot could be scheduled during the day and they don’t have to call the actor back for an extra night.

Or

Can we change the order of bits of dialogue to fit in with the geography of the location, so that it can all be filmed in one take?

Stuff like that.

It’s nothing too taxing, but it’s fiddly and takes up time. Time which I was going to use to start a new project; but will just have to wait a few days.

I’m back on a rather steep learning curve at the moment, with all sorts of interesting (at least to me) little tit-bits coming to light. The sort of things not really covered by screenwriting books* because they’re only peripherally connected with writing. I’ve decided to start a new series of blogs about these curious little bits of info.

I thought I’d start with sex.

I’ve always been of the opinion a well written sex scene should leave the reader feeling the need to go off and have a little fiddle.

I’m not talking about a sex scene in a family comedy or a film intended for a wide audience – you could argue they shouldn’t have sex scenes in them anyway; but sometimes they are necessary and a quick snog, fumbling partial disrobing and a dive beneath the covers is all you need.

But what about a film which demands a proper sex scene – sweaty, writhing, dirty sex?

Well, if an action scene should take your breath away, a funny scene should make you laugh, then a sex scene should give you the horn.

Obvious.

Except, maybe not.

I don’t know if this is just confined to my shallow end of the pool, but it seems sex scenes make actors and actresses nervous. In the specific case I’m thinking about, it refers to an actress; but I’m assured the same applies to both men and women.

A sex scene, with even partial nudity, is something people have to think about. Do they really want to do it? How will it affect their career? What will their mum think of them? Will they be typecast as a slutty girl from now on? Do they really feel confident enough about their own body to put it on display for all and sundry? There isn’t even a huge paycheck to soften the blow.

Obviously, some sex scenes are crucial to a story – but do they have to involve nudity? Can the scene be written in such a way that it’s obvious no one will see anything? If the scene is written using words like ‘quivering’ and goes into a lot of detail about ‘things being inserted into gaping orifices’ then it’s bound to make someone stop and think about the type of movie being made.

So how do you write a sexy sex scene without making it sexy?

Do you make your script reader-friendly or actress-friendly?

If it’s a spec script, then I guess you write the hottest sex scene the story demands and wait and see what any future potential producer thinks.

If it’s a script written to order and plunging headlong into low-budget production, then you might have to think again. Obviously in this case you can ask the producer or director; but how an actress might feel about it is something I’ve never really had to consider before.

I don’t really have a point to make, it’s just something which came up recently and I thought I’d share.

And I’m back to revising the script. Those of you who read regularly might find it ironic to learn I’ve just been asked to put more swearing into it.

Another fucking first.

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* Or at least the few I’ve read – I’ll happily admit I’m no expert.

Or should I say actors for both genders? I don’t know, it seems to upset some people and not others.

Categories: K, Things I've Learnt Recently | 2 Comments

Tin foil

Well, that was a bad week.

I think I can honestly say the last week has been the worst of my fledgling career so far. Horrible just about sums it up; but doesn’t really convey the gut-wrenching fear, disappointment and rage which left me on the verge of tears.

And by ‘verge of tears’ I mean ‘bawling my eyes out, lying curled up on the bathroom floor, wrapped in tin foil and screaming for my mummy’.

Why tin foil?

I don’t know, that’s how upset I was.

Still, it seems to be almost over now and life is becoming sunny again. I may blog about it at some point, but probably not. It’s all a bit embarrassing and totally my fault.

So instead I’m going to talk about some random shit I was too numb to notice during the last seven or eight days.

Like on Monday, when I visited one of the locations for K and watched the fight choreographer put some of the actors through their paces. There were swords and tonfa and … well that’s all I saw; but they were being flung around all over the shop.

Or night club, I suppose.

Then we visited a rooftop location to discuss how we’re going to throw an actor off without it costing too much.

I think hiring twins is the answer.

One who can act and the other who’s suicidal.

I’ve finally discovered what the issue was with the difference in page count – it turns out Final Draft fixed a bug which added the odd blank line into the script. I was running 7.1.1 on my desktop (104 pages) and 7.1.3 on my laptop (102 pages) – which is not a problem until you lock the script for production and suddenly it all goes haywire.

I’m away from home a lot and need to be able to work on the script from both machines.

The solution?

Well, the best solution would have been to update my desktop; but the production team have all been working from the 104 page version. So solution number 2 is to uninstall Final Draft from my laptop and reinstall the older version.

Great, then I can work on the script while I’m out and about.

Except … no, wait. There was a reason why I updated the laptop – it’s running Windows Vista and Final Draft 7.1.1 won’t save as PDF in Vista.

So now I have a script I can work on, but no way of sending it.

Ah, no! I can print the revised pages using a PDF printer (CutePDF – because I like the name).

Okay, now we’re cooking.

Except no, the director can’t open pages printed to PDF, only ones saved as PDF.

Why?

Who fucking knows?

So now I have to send the CutePDF printed pages out to the First AD for distribution, with a one page per scene version for the continuity person.

I’m sure she has a technical name, but I don’t know what it is.

Then I have to email the Final Draft version back home so Mandy can save it as PDF and send it back. Then I can send it to the director.

Yay!

No.

Bugger.

For some reason the text is mostly green. Green is the current revision colour, but it shouldn’t save green text into PDF.

Now I’m really confused; and, as some of you may have noticed, wittering on about PDF formats to stop myself thinking about …

Fuck it, it’s no good.

I need more tin foil.

Categories: K, Progress, Random Witterings, Software, Two steps back | 5 Comments

Potential

A week or so ago I mentioned I was working on treatments for four new feature projects. Well, they’re all done now, they’ve been sent off and they’ve been reasonably well received.

Now I’m into phase two of re-writing and expanding them to either longer treatments or from outlines to treatments depending on which terminology you want to use.

So far so good and I haven’t been thrown off any of them yet, but it’s still early days with lots of potential for me to upset the people involved.

With K due to start shooting in January, another six features already in development* and four more on the way; that makes a total of one definite# and ten potential movies for next year.

That’s pretty good odds for getting some decent career movement next year.

I hope.

On top of all that, another project suddenly resurfaced from the murky depths of the middle of the year. A remake of the 70s horror ‘House on Straw Hill’ starring some people and directed by someone else – yet another project thrown my way by Jonathan Sothcott who is fast becoming my pimp.

So that whacks the total up to five new features. One definitely shooting, with eleven more in development. On top of that, there’s a secret TV series lurking in the wings of potentiality and the BBC 3 sketch show which I believe is shooting at the moment.

I feel like I’m in a very strong position, like 2008 is going to be MY year; but it’s all smoke, mirrors and promises. Until the first day of principle photography … the last day of … the film is finishedthe film has been sold … the film is in shops or cinemas it’s all just a big load of potential disappointment.

But eleven features, come on! Surely something’s got to come of that?

Hasn’t it?

Please?

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*Although 2 of them are complete no hopers (not yours, obviously – you’re a dynamic and virile film maker. It’s one of the other losers who’s got no hope)

# Or as definite as it ever gets.

Called ‘Expose’ over here for some reason.

Categories: BBC Sketch Show, K, Progress | 6 Comments

He’s taking the piss?

I received a pile of notes, pages of the fuckers on ‘K’ the other day, all of them minor, all of them reasonable requests.

Until the last one:

Also, I’m thinking we need to change the tone of this film. It should be much more of a love story – a man battling against his true desire to be in love with a man! A hard man! Not a girlie-man! What ya think???

I think you’d better be fucking joking. This is an action/thriller piece set in London’s gangster underworld.

Then, to top it all off, after my post on stupid precedents, he finishes it with:

Oh and can we have it (with changes and brilliant) this afternoon?

I got this email at about 11.30.

Now, I know I swear a lot; but maybe never before as much as I did that day.

“This afternoon? This after-fucking-noon? A non-girlie-man love story? Is he fucking joking? He’d better be fucking joking. Grumble, grumble, gnash, gnash, wail, wail.”

Only with more, shorter, words.

There will be those amongst you who think ‘Of course he’s joking, no sane director or producer would possibly ask for that in earnest.’

That thought gives you away, that thought shows you’ve had little experience dealing with notes along the lines of:

‘Can we make this a comedy?’ – when the film’s a harrowing story of rape.

or

‘Maybe (insert name of actress the producer is trying to sleep with) could play the lead?’ – when the film is a bio-pic of Hitler.

Changing the film from being about a man rising to prominence in the London underworld to being about a man’s love for another man is bordering on sanity in my world.

So I swallow the rage, put on my most professional voice and make the call.

“Hi, about that email. I don’t think I’ll be able to get it done this afternoon.”

He just bursts out laughing.

Turns out he was taking the piss after all.

Categories: K, Sad Bastard | 3 Comments

Enough is enough

I’m off.

I can’t stand by and watch this shit anymore, I’m going in.

Tomorrow I’m on the first flight to the States and I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with …

Alright, so I’m lying.

I’m off to see my folks in France; but I’ll be thinking of the striking writers and wishing them well.

If you haven’t already done it, there’s a link to a petition on Bill Martell’s blog and a link to a ‘pledge your money in support’ site on James Moran’s blog. Go on, you know you want to.

I’m just on my way home now from a meeting about ‘K‘. I’ve just met the co-producer, the DP and the fight coordinator.

It’s all terribly exciting.

When I get back there’s a whole host of uber-exciting meetings lined up with the potential for three new jobs.

Who wants to lay odds on how many I’ll fuck up?

And that’s me done. Behave yourselves and I’ll see you all in a week’s time.

Categories: K, Progress | Leave a comment

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