Just for the Record – The Premiere

Last night was the premiere for ‘Just for the Record‘ (have I mentioned ‘Just for the Record’? The film (based on a script) wot I wrote? I’m sure I’ve mentioned it once or twice) and … well, how did it go?

Let me set the scene a little for you first, give you some background information:

I’ve spent the last three days shitting myself.

This is not a metaphor§, I’ve literally been shitting myself. I was throwing up for a day or so, but it’s surprising how much faster you run out of stomach contents than arse liquid. Basically I’ve had the kind of few days where it’s not really worth leaving the bathroom, far easier just to sleep on the floor. Not that there was much opportunity to sleep between bouts.

So by the time the premiere rolled around I was feeling a little fragile, especially when you factor in the jetlag and the … did I mention the jetlag? Oh, I was throwing up here:

Which is about 5 hours behind here:

And about 8 hours away.

Hence, by the time I sat down in the cinema, I’d been thoroughly evacuating myself for three days, awake for 36 hours straight and was mentally still in a different time zone.

Not the best way to attend anything, let alone a thing which involves sitting very still in the dark.

But there you go.

So, how was the premiere?

Well, it was a lot like going to the cinema under any other circumstances, to be honest* – a dark, semi-comfortable room full of people I don’t know. Oh, except you get free water and popcorn on your seat. That was nice.

Quite a few of the stars were there, which was nice too. Didn’t really talk to any of them mind, but in fairness, they didn’t talk to me either so … I think we both lost out there.

I fairly quickly realised introducing myself as the writer to people makes no impression whatsoever. In fact, it just seems to confuse some people since I don’t think they fully understand what that means.

Still, never mind, eh?

As for the reaction, did people like it? Did they think it’s a good film?

Well, it’s hard to say, really. People laughed regularly, from beginning to end – which is kind of the point of a comedy. It didn’t sound like polite laughter, it sounded fairly genuine and everyone I spoke to afterwards said they enjoyed it … but then they would since nobody knows who’s standing behind them.

One thing was apparent, it took some people a while to work out what kind of film it was – they’d obviously turned up without any kind of idea of genre or story. Quite how they got there is beyond me, but once they’d worked out what the hell was going on they seemed to enjoy it too.

So all good then.

I guess the next step is to see how a properly paying, non-fawning audience reacts when it opens on Friday …

Except, I don’t think there’ll be one.

An audience, that is.

This isn’t a reflection on the quality of the film, it’s not even a bout of paranoia, it’s just a frank opinion based on an examination of the facts.

Let me explain:

Just for the Record is indeed opening in cinemas as of Friday … but not quite in a useful way. Here are the full details:

ALTRINCHAM

• Fri 7th – 12.50
• Mon 10th – 12.50
• Tues 11th – 12.50
• Wed 12th – 12.50
• Thurs 10th – 12.50

BURNLEY

• Mon 10th – 13.25
• Tues 11th – 13.25
• Wed 12th – 13.25
• Thurs 10th – 13.25

ROYAL LEAMINGTON SPA

• Mon 10th – 13.10
• Tues 11th – 13.10
• Wed 12th – 12.00
• Thurs 10th – 12.00

STROUD

• Mon 10th – 12.40
• Tues 11th – 12.40
• Wed 12th – 12.40
• Thurs 10th – 12.40

TORBAY

• Mon 10th – 13.40
• Tues 11th – 13.40
• Wed 12th – 13.40
• Thurs 10th – 13.40

The first thing you may notice is that’s only five cinemas as opposed to the planned six. Redditch seemed to have bottled it at the last minute. The second might be that although it does technically open on the Friday – that’s only in one cinema and not over the weekend. The third thing might be that all the show times are around midday.

It’s only showing midday and mid-week – in other words, no fucker is going to watch it. Except possibly the unemployable† and the retired … which is just the audience it’s written for.

Let’s add one more piece to this puzzle: the film is being advertised as a British gangster film.

Seriously.

This is the blurb the distributors are going with, both for the cinemas and on the DVD:

Danny Dyer (‘The Football Factory’, ‘The Business’), Craig Fairbrass (‘Rise Of The Footsoldier’, ‘The Bank Job’), Sean Pertwee (‘Dog Soldiers’, ‘Doomsday’), Phil Davis (‘Dead Man Running’), Steven Berkoff (‘The Krays’) and Billy Murray (‘Rise Of The Footsoldier’) come together as one of the greatest British casts in recent memory. Dirty dealings, back-stabbing, insults, threats, blackmail and deception – it’s all in a days work for this motley crew who have been assembled for a business venture more treacherous than any kind of criminal endeavour! As sparks fly, it’s everyman for himself, take no prisoners and, hopefully, get out in one piece with reputation still in one mangled piece!

It’s a fucking mockumentary about film making!

You know what this means? It means not only is nobody going to go and see it, because they’ll be working; but if on the off chance someone does happen to pull a sickie and drop in, they’re going to think it’s the worst fucking gangster film they’ve ever seen.

Oh fuck it, it’s still a cinema release and still damned exciting.

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§Actually, it’s not an idiom; but you know what I mean.

*Except for the getting dressed up bit. Normally, I go to the cinema in just my pants.

†You know, like actors, writers …