“Find a song that sums up what you think it means to be a writer and post the lyrics on your blog and why you’ve chosen it. NB: It doesn’t have to be your favourite song, it just has to express how you feel about writing and/or being a writer. It can be literal, metaphorical, about a particular form or aspect of writing – whatever you want. Then tag 5 others to do the same (reprint these instructions).”
Right. Since being tagged by Dom on Friday I’ve spent the weekend desperately thinking about song lyrics.
Between alternatively shivering like a sunbather in the Antarctic and sweating so much I’m in danger of drowning in my sleep. Seriously, last night I had to change my T-shirt four times and each time it felt like I’d been swimming.
I think I might have malaria.
Anyway, after two days of fruitless thinking I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t really listen to song lyrics. I don’t even know all of the lyrics to some of my favourite songs. I guess I’m more interested in the music and the way it’s constructed than what the words actually mean. I know the bass line from almost all the songs in my collection, but I honestly don’t think I know the words to any of them.
So what does that mean?
Well, basically it means I can’t do the meme. I don’t think there are any song lyrics which sum up what being a writer means to me. I’m not even really sure there are any song lyrics which have any particular meaning to me. There’s the odd line which I like or which resonates, but not whole songs.
Um … so, yeah. Can’t really do this one.
Sorry.
The Jobbing Scriptwriter 
WIMP!
I gave birth with no pain relief at all by the way, so am well-qualified in what is wimpish and what is hardcore. I am hardcore – you’re a wimp!
Bloody men.
Giving birth, giving birth – that’s all you bloody women ever go on about. Personally I think this whole ‘intense pain’ thing is just a conspiracy. They probably take you to one side at school and make you swear on your copy of ‘Tammy’ to uphold it for the rest of your life.
You want to talk pain? I had a splinter once. It really hurt.
What about ‘Words Don’t Come Easy’?
When the wife went into hospital to have our son they gave her gas and air. I tried it and it did absolutely nothing to me. I was sucking on it more than she was. Nothing at all!!! However, I did get told off for running down the corridor naked screaming, “I’m having a baby.”
I bet epidurals aren’t real either. I reckon giving birth is just like squeezing a big spot. “POP” and it’s done!!!
And no chickening out of the meme, by the law of Dom!!!!!!
Fine, here’s some lyrics – make of them what you will:
“At A Medium Pace”
Put your arms around me baby
Can’t you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I’m about to begin
Lovin’ you
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin’
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I’m the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I’m about to blow my load
You tell me it’s time to make love
But now I can’t
‘Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin’ you
I’m so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I’ll be better at lovin’ you
Nah…