IMDb message boards

As far as I’m aware, there are only two kinds of people who use the message boards on IMDb to talk about low-budget films and film makers: teenagers who can’t get laid and feel the need to vent their frustration by slagging off movies on the Internet; and the film makers themselves who pretend to be teenagers in order to defend their film/selves from the vicious comments.

It’s slightly different for big box office films, but for small, independent D2DVD movies, this is pretty much always the case.

Hence you get films where the message board discussions read:

chickfucka176

“this film suxx OMG its’ so lame (the director) is shit he cant make a good film he must be gay”

Only with worse spelling, grammar and punctuation. Chickfucka176 is someone who posts his hatred for films pretty much from when school finishes until his parents make him go to bed. Hence ensuring his eternal virginity.

This will usually be followed by a response like:

rothe direct

“I love this film. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen and I highly recommend people go out and buy it. The director is fantastic and is definitely a rising star who will surely be snapped up by Hollywood after such an amazing debut. I’ve heard he’s got a big cock too. I imagine loads of girls want to sleep with him.”

Where “rothe direct” is usually a poorly thought out anagram of the director’s name. This will be his first and only posting on the message boards – subtle.

This is pretty much what the message boards on IMDb are for and, although amusingly diverting, are also the reason why I rarely read any of them. I do read the reviews for my own projects, particularly the bad ones since they’re the funniest. The tag line at the top of this blog comes from one such review: “A new low for the British Empire”. “Leprosy is funnier” is another favourite review of mine.

However, following a discussion about the message boards on Trigger Street, I was idly flicking through and I found this one:

bobthefirst

keep an eye on this fella….definitely someone we’ll be hearing from in the future!!

Normally, I’d dismiss this as someone trying to big themselves up; but it’s on my message board.

What the fuck?

bobthefirst has been a registered user since 2006 and has posted three times in two years. One on Jeffery Jones, one on Green Zone and one on me.

For the record – I am not bobthefirst; but the question remains: who is he? I don’t think it’s someone I’ve worked with since I have no connection to either Jeffery Jones or Green Zone. I doubt it’s one of my friends since most of them have better things to do and are more likely to call me names instead. There is a worrying possibility it’s either my parole officer or one of the lovely people from the juvenile detention centre. Oh, or possibly the police officer who arrested me for counterfeiting*. (bob – bobby? bob the first – Robert Peel himself, risen from the grave to feel my collar?)

I doubt this is some random bloke who was browsing IMDb and was blown away by my profile page – so the most likely possibility is it’s one of you lot.

So come on, ‘fess up.

Who done it?

* Only one of these three people exist. I’ll let you decide who.