Every month, after its run, The Treason Show produces a running order which tells the writers who wrote what. Every month, Gordon Robertson and I read the list, eager to find out who had the most items performed, who won Treason Show Top Trumps.
Unfortunately, it’s usually Gordon.
Unfortunately for me, not for him. He works much harder, writes much more and produces better sketches. Damn him.
And to be fair to myself, I rarely have time for sketch writing any more. I find myself in the nice position of being too busy with other projects.
Still rankles though.
I was going to write this post last month, but I won and it would seem very boastful to go and shout about it on the net. However, this month I lost (a lot) so it’s the time to announce our game to the world; or at least that tiny section of it which reads this blog.
So, the results for the November run of The Treason Show:
Performed items written by Gordon: 14
Performed items written by me: 3
Pathetic isn’t it? Well done Gordon, again. I’d like to say I’ll get you next month, but we both know that isn’t true.
The Jobbing Scriptwriter 
I take my hat off to Mr Barron for being magnanimous in defeat (as I’d like to think I was last month). I don’t really see The Treason Show Top Trumps (or TTSTT, for short, if you can call that short) as a me v him kinda thing, although it does add a bit of spice to the proceedings. I just try and write some funny stuff (usually left-wing, liberal, political satire stuff, with the odd – very odd – scatalogical reference thrown in) that I probably wouldn’t be allowed to have performed anywhere else.
The exception being, of course, The Stand, in Edinburgh, at their monthly Melting Pot sketch competition, where all manner of filth (and we are talking FILTH) is actively promoted. Thanks to having a filthy mind that’s usually up to the task, I’ve found myself in the (un)enviable position of having won the Melting Pot 6 times out the past 12.
Whether that says more about my comedy skills, or my skills in understanding a drunken, late-night audience, however, is open to debate.
But I’m rambling. I came on here both to thank Phill for the mention, and also to correct him, in a totally anal way, about the number of items I got on the Treason Show this month. It was 16, and not 14. I only mention it because the difference is about 25 quid. And that’s a pair of shoes for my daughter.
My son, however, will have to go without until next month.
PS. If anyone’s interested, I’ve heard of an upcoming ‘sketches for mobile downloads’ thing being organised(?) by Adam Morley, a director at Newsrevue (deep breath, Phill, count to 10). For more information, you can email Adam at adam.e.morley@gmail.com. I emailed him myself this morning and am currently waiting on a reply.
PPS. Don’t let Phill fool you. He’s an excellent sketch writer. Read his ‘Who’s The President’ sketch to see what I mean.
16 – 3? Damn it, that’s an even worse defeat. One of mine was only performed on one night, so that’s technically 16 – 2.5.
Not only did you beat me, but you’ve pointed out my inability to count. Curse you, Gordon Robertson, curse you and your slight scatalogical bent.
Er … I have to change that figure again, Phill. I’ve just come home to an amended running order and one of my sketches wasn’t used as previously stated. So it’s down to 15 – 3 now.
Or, based on performance, 12 – 2.5. Which is a bit better for you.
Ouch, that sounded condescending. Didn’t mean to be.
I say mud-wrestling is the way to settle this matter.
I’d rather not. In fact, I will pay good money not to be involved.
How about 50 grand, Phill? Is that good enough for you? Slip 50 grand into my bank account and I promise, on the late Brian Harvey’s grave, not to mud-wrestle you.
You’re just worried you won’t be able to do any of your Tai-Kwon-Tiddly-i-po stuff if your feet are caked in shit, aren’t you?
You big blouse.
Phill’s Rules #17
Never mud-wrestle a bearded man.
I have a beard.
Concede now, and I may spare your puny planet.
Gordon’s Rules #69:
Never wrestle ANY man.
Not after watching ‘Borat’, anyway.
Hi Phil, thanks for the link. Whenever I get round to updating mine I’ll be sure to put yours in. Until then, take heart from these fantastically encouraging words my mentor told me recently:
There will always be someone better than you. It’s the way of the world.
Thanks so much, Mr Mentor. Now I feel so much better…In MY world I’m the greatest writer anyone has ever seen.
But hey ho – you’re actually better (more successful) than I am, so that must be something, right?!
Someone did once ask me if I was “the legendary genius Phill Barron”.
That was weird.
I also had someone casually drop into conversation they’d studied one of my sketches in a class on how to write comedy.
That was even weirder, but quite flattering.
Successful? Maybe, but I stumble across your name on the web more than I stumble across mine. As for that “there’s always somebody better” thing: there must be someone at the top, surely?
If not, I wonder if the job’s open?
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